Productive Procrastination

In honor of finals week, this theorem will be directly related to finals.

Theorem 21: Procrastination is one of the best forms of studying

This theorem is based of the premise that people work better under pressure and when there is a looming deadline. That is, most people would claim that it is difficult to motivate yourself to start a project or paper weeks before the deadline. This is fine, although it is a sign of mental weakness, and it need not be detrimental to your academics.

So here is what you do if you work better when there is a looming deadline: you procrastinate. However, you don't procrastinate by creeping the book or getting a coffee from Starbucks, you procrastinate by doing other stuff that you are going to have to do anyway. Here's what a best case scenario looks like:

Say you have three things to do. Item A is due first, Items B and C are due later in the week. You know you don't want to do Item A because it's a theology paper, and no one wants to do those. However, you know (or you should) that one way or another, the paper is going to be done. No non-athlete at this school decides simply to not do assignments, so you can safely assume that no matter how much Halo you play between now and when Item A is due, Item A will be completed. So what you do is you work on Items B and C. In doing these items, you know in the back of your head that sooner rather than later you should be doing Item A, so you force yourself to hurry through items B and C. You want to stop after you finish B, but you also have the mental fortitude to challenge yourself to get item C done as well. Your deadline for Item C is now ASAP since it means you can start on Item A. So you complete item C more efficiently than you normally would, and you start on Item A. By this point, the deadline for Item A is close enough that you feel the pressure and get it done very efficiently. Magic, you have Items A, B, and C done well before the due date for Items B and C. You can now play sticks with me and Bobby who are staunchly opposed to nerdiness.

Another thing to keep in mind: The world will likely end in 2012. That means that your grades this semester will have zero ramifications. So again, it makes much more sense to farm with me and Bobby.

Part two of the two-part series entitled, "OMG IT'S FINALS WEEK!!!" will be presented later this week.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I was hoping to post this thought during the actual month of Breast Cancer Awareness, but there will be a BCA month next year so it is still applicable today.

Theorem 20: Awareness for a disease is an inefficient use of our marketing efforts

I can definitely not claim this thought as my own, and I would like to explicitly give credit to people such as Bobby and Steier who have discussed this topic with me. Nonetheless, I will be the one to present this innovative idea to the blogosphere.

So I am sure everyone noticed all the various places the color of pink was used in pro sports, on campus, and pretty much everywhere. This color pink caught my attention and I quickly became aware not of breast cancer itself, but of the fact that it was breast cancer awareness month. Therefore, I think if we keep things how they are now, we should call it Breast Cancer Awareness Month Awareness Month. That could get complicated so I say we make changes. Here's why:

I assume many people know someone who has been affected by Breast Cancer or know someone who knows someone who has been affected. Now, when you find out that someone you are close to has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer (and I do not mean at all to make light of this issue), an adequate response is NOT, "Oh, I am aware of that disease." Rather, I want my answer to be, "Oh, lucky for you, I just developed this new medicine to cure that disease."

So here's what I propose. I want October 1st to be Breast Cancer Awareness day, in which we would target the audience of people with amnesia, alzheimer's, newborns,etc., really anyone that may not know about breast cancer. The following 30 days will be called Breast Cancer Educational Month, in which every school across the country will be forced to offer 1-credit courses only in cancer research or other science fields. Everyone writing sonnets and doing psychology research and learning Chinese will be forced to sit through useful lectures and learn science. Some people will say, "Oh, wahhh wahhh wahhhh, I hate science, wahhh wahhh" (sound of a baby crying). That's fine. Those people can spend their time in a lab doing the dirty work that they are told to do (by some scientist). Metoxen volunteers 50 hours a week of pro bono work cutting up deadly mosquitoes in an effort to cure this deadly disease we call cancer while we sit in our rooms doing math problems. He needs all the help he can get and we need to give it to him. He cares.

If nothing else, we should educate ourselves on the female breast. Channel 198 (It is a premium channel so you may or may not have to pay for it) is airing educational videos on the female breast 24/7. If you are wondering, it is that fuzzy channel that never really comes through no matter how you situate your antenna. We need to learn about the breast before can spend our time protecting it. So please, do something to help out this cause.

* * But really, breast cancer and cancer in general is a serious issue. I apologize for trying to make a funny out of it.

Texting in Class

So apparently some people have been noting that I am seemingly always texting nowadays. There are various reasons for why people might think this, and I will not get into these reasons. I just enjoy the receiving and composing of text messages from all people and to all people, what can I say?

On that topic, the purpose of this post is to present a strategy for focusing in class that is often overlooked by many educational-enhancement programs (Kaplan, Hooked on Phonics, etc.). That strategy is of course texting in class.

Theorem 19: Texting in class helps you focus

Too often these days people who can't focus in class turn to Ridalin or Adderall or whatever drug makes your brain freak out and focus (Five-Hour Energy, Coffee, Triple Latte Espresso Double-Whipped Poison, etc.), when really there is a much simpler, more effective solution: intermittent texting. You see, studies have shown that the average Notre Dame brain can't focus for more than about 3 minutes at a time. This is conveniently the time it takes for a person to receive a text, read the text, come up with a 160-character proof-read text message, send the message, and be received by the person who is just starting to space out. Right at that space-out moment, the pocket vibes (vbbbb...vbb-vbb-vbb if you will... that's the sound mine makes at least) and you snap back to attention, read the text, reply, and send all in about one minute. So that's 3 minutes of perfect focus and one minute of a mental break in which you are still present enough to catch any particularly important information. You may say that's only 75% of the time in which you are fully focused, which is not very good. I say it's less than 25% of the time when you are not focused, which is REALLY good. But my glass is 75% full.

Now contrast this with the alternate. You sit in class, friendless/phoneless/whatever, and you hit that space-out moment. If you are good at sleeping, you start nodding off. If you are not good at sleeping, you daydream and you start thinking about something way off topic. For example, you could be thinking about what you did to Metoxen's chest last night in sticks (I haven't farmed him in like a week and I'm still inclined to use that as an example, incredible). You will think about this for a few minutes, and this will remind you that you have to go to the bathroom. This thought will overcome you and you will have no chance of focusing until you take care of your business. So you either leave class for some period of time, where you are missing all the material, or you sit in class unable to focus. Either way, the short text message would have been the much better alternative.

There are two main points I want to bring up with regards to this theorem. First, teachers do not know what is best for their students. This I'm sure is obvious to everyone by now in your academic careers, but it is particularly true for cell phones. Not allowing students to use cell phones is like putting a shiny object in front of a squirrel. Secondly, cell phones with basic calling and texting capabilities are far better than the smartphones with games and such. Gaming on your phone is the worst thing you can do, followed closely by using Apps. Apps are polluting the world and killing the national education system.

Again, if you would like to be on my texting ListServ, just let me know. I can text you whenever you would like during class or just in general. We are paying a lot for a Notre Dame education, so you should do everything you can to get the most out of it. Also, if you are looking for a nice phone, get the one pictured above. It is virtually indestructible.

Off-topic Comments

I tried very hard to make this concept into a theorem but it would be a huge stretch and I've already meditated on Facebook once or twice, so I will leave it as a remark. Nevertheless, I feel just as strongly about it and it should not be scoffed at.

Remark: Off-topic Facebook comments are annoying

It's just like what you were taught in third grade during manners class: when conversing with someone, don't randomly change the topic. Ms. Dougherty didn't know it at the time but she was really teaching you how to not make enemies on Facebook.

There is nothing better than making a clever post on someone's photo or status and signing in to Facebook 10 minutes later and getting a notification that someone else has made an even wittier reply to your comment. Then you giggle for a second or two and try to formulate a counter-reply. Or maybe you cherish the work that your friend has made and let it be.

Here is what you don't do: You don't read the status/look at the picture, read the comments already made, and post your own comment like: "I love you Jessica! When are we going to hang out?" Or "I miss you, how's school going?" Or "Hope all is well!!" That is disrespectful to all the people that put in the time to come up with a clever comment and who are eagerly waiting other comments, because you know as soon as they get that notification, they are going to look to see what you said. And when they see that you completely disregarded what they had previously said, they will get offended. That's just impolite.

Now I know there is an interesting dynamic in the college years where high school friends, college friends, and even parents/relatives converge on one social network, but there should be a way to unite them all. We should all be able to socialize with friends of friends without too much trouble. I tried this once when I commented on Tara's status, saying very nicely that I would edit her paper (just so you know, there's no way I would have done that for her, and I still consider myself to be a very good friend). Her friend (for privacy purposes we will call her Shaniqua) from home also wanted to help out, and she also commented on the status. I very kindly told Shaniqua to "back off" and that I (and no one else) was editing Tara's paper. Shaniqua then claimed that we were "in a fight and she doesn't even know me." I was forced to delete all my comments, making her comments look ridiculously out of place and confusing the rest of the Facebook community. It is a cheeky little trick I've learned over the years... Anyway, the moral of the story is that some people don't use Facebook how I like it to be used, and that creates problems in my life. Problems that need to be fixed.

But speaking of editing, I also feel like if there is one thing you should edit, it is your Facebook posts. Oftentimes when you write on Facebook, it sounds good the first time but after you read it again, you realize you need to change your thesis a bit. Or maybe add some punctuation or add/subtract a lol or a haha... or an ellipsis (...). Everything makes a difference.

Athletics and Injuries

So I was very disappointed with my last few posts in my five-day blogging blitz, and I apologize if they did not meet expectations. I did, however keep my promise and I am very proud of that accomplishment. I was planning on deleting the last post, especially since it was essentially about balls, which is just weird and has no place in Theorems of Life. However, Anonymous likes it for some reason, so I will keep it.

Theorem 18: Playing when you are hurt is usually not a good thing, and it should not be praised

Announcers, coaches, and fans always seem to value those players that get hurt but then come out and play through the pain. I say that's total bush. If you get hurt in a game and tell the coach to put you back in, you are just being selfish and the opposite of a team player. Especially at the Division 1 or Professional level, where the backups are also freak athletes, the chances of a hurt starter being better than the backup healthy is highly unlikely. So when Mac got hurt in Miracle and Herb Brooks tried to get him to play since he "won't hurt it any worse," that made no sense. He should have reasoned with Herb and explained that all the players on the team are exceptional hockey players and to go out and play would only be making a spectacle of himself. Honestly, I think that game could have been a blowout had Herb not let his emotions take control of his decision-making. The Soviets were trash that year and they were given way too much credit going into the game.

Even when coaches take out a player when he/she has a minor injury just because he/she is a star on the team, the player should not ask the coach to go back in. I say, if you are a star on the team and you know you are good, you should protect yourself from all harm, even if it means sending in your backup to take the blows. That is the most team-oriented decision possible.

Also, when you are sick and you come to practice, you are doing your team no good and that is selfish. It is your job to get healthy for the game, so as long as you are doing everything you can to get healthy, your team can never be disappointed with your commitment to the team. When you are sick, your body is not 100% anyway, so if you can produce at the same output that you did when you were healthy, then you were clearly not giving it your all when you were healthy.

Finally, what really grinds my gears about coaches is when they ask for 110%. That doesn't make any sense, obviously, and it's just stupid. This is why I do not like the idea of coaches in general. See Theorem 2: Coaches are Overrated.

Any questions about this theorem can be directed toward Tara. She heard the whole theorem and more at the DH and she couldn't agree more with me.

Cojones

It is 8 o'clock on a Friday, my birthday, and I am still making sure I publish this post. It will be short however, and it will be about cojones, my favorite subject.

I realized this weekend how much life comes down to the size of your cojones. Just in general, if you have huge cojones, your life is so much different than if your cojones are average size or smaller.

If you have huge cojones, you are much less concerned about what people say and what society expects of you. If your cojones are below average in size you follow all the rules and never think outside the box.

I strongly believe that cojone size is based off genetics. Whatever your cojones you are born with, that is what you must live your life with.

Also, too much of a good thing is bad. If you have elephant cojones, you most likely will end up killing yourself one way or another.

Texting

I have given my perspective on Facebook two days ago, and now it is time to comment on texting. I do not have enough thoughts to make it a theorem, so I will call it a Remark and it will be the third part in the eight-part series "Societal Flaws: Why People Struggle with Life."

Remark: Texting is a skill

Now we all have our texting style and I am not here to claim that one is better than the other. I'll be honest, I think I am a pretty good texter, but I understand that some people can disagree with this. Every once in a while I will send a text that I am really proud of and then I will lock it in my phone so that it never goes away when I delete my inbox. When I get bored I will go back and read them. I want to put them all together and make a book. Also, I have this uncanny ability to use every one of my 160 characters in my text without even trying. Enough gloating though, I need to get on with my thoughts about texting. I am having serious trouble concentrating though with these people in the section lounge reading math jokes off the internet to me. This is what happens when your roommate has an interview at 8 in the morning.

I will now run over some of the basic rules of texting. This should all be review:

1) Make sure you keep a good constant pace of texting. By this of course I mean that if you text someone and they take hours to respond, then you take at least an hour or two to respond to that response. It's called common courtesy.

2) If you send a mass text, you should let people know. The easiest way to do this is to start your text with "Mass text:". If you do not do this and people find out that it was a mass text, they will be extremely offended. Me especially. Nothing grinds my gears more than a mass text that I think is a personal text.

3) If your pace of texting is quick and consistent, make sure you keep it that way. I hate when I am expecting a text within a minute or two and I don't get it for ages.

Okay it's my birthday and I am done with this post. I have nothing to say about this and I have no idea how I am going to come up with five more parts of this series. But as a reminder, if you would like to read some of my best texts that are locked in my phone, let me know. Or, if you would like to be a part of my ListServ, which is essentially a group of people that I will text before, during, and after my Theology and Econ class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, let me know and you will be added. Basically all that comes of this ListServ is just a random text from me about whatever I am thinking when I get especially bored. A response would be appreciated but it is totally not necessary. I get enough enjoyment out of simply constructing a text message to send random people. I must say though, the ListServ is a good way to practice your texting without much pressure. If you would like, I could also reply to your reply with constructive feedback. If your name is Bobby or Tara, you are already on this ListServ.

LATER

Pressures of Life

So I am definitely feeling the pressure of this one post a day thing, but nevertheless I fully intend to keep my promise, and for at least one more day my promise will be kept. However, this post will not be a part of the eight-part series entitled, "Societal Flaws: Why People Struggle with Life," but rather it will be an important meditation on life in general.

Theorem 17: 99% of what we do, we could just as easily not do

So I'm listening to this singer named Kid Cudi and he is preaching to me about the pursuit of happiness. He says to me, "I'll be fine once I get it. I'll be good" (that's the three-syllable version of the word "good": Goo-uh-ood). Inspired by this, I read up on Celtic Christianity, which stresses that life is all about the journey and not the destination. Specifically, I read Long, Wandering Prayer by Calvin Miller. Conveniently enough, I find out later that this is also what is due tomorrow for my theology class so I really just killed two birds with one stone. Anyway, Mr. Miller and Mr. Cudi have both reminded me that society today has lied to us: we don't have to do anything.

When I get sick or feel a little cough coming on, the first thing I do is see what I can get away with not doing. It is amazing how much in my daily schedule I can just ignore. There are an infinite number of excuses out there and you can almost always find an excuse that doesn't involve a lie.

Now let's get specific: homework. Homework is worth points but it is not worth that many points. Just don't get a zero and you can get away with doing very little homework. Dorm responsibilities: if you live in McGlinn, you are screwed and my only advice is to stage a coup of the current regime. They are holding you back and are running a malevolent dictatorship. They have too much power and they don't know how to use it. Shamrock Snack Shop (now on Facebook)?? If that doesn't scream Third Reich, I don't know what does. However, if you live in Duncan, the word "responsibilities" is extremely vague and non-binding. If you doubt that, let me just remind you that I am social/spirit commissioner... I am neither social nor spirited. And I make sure it shows. Tests: you either know it or you don't, there's no two ways about it. Besides, worst comes to worst, you can drop the class. The educational system these days is designed for slacking; it practically encourages slacking.

Basically what I am saying is that if you don't think you have time for sticks, you are not working hard enough to find ways to make time. Most people classify things as "need to do" when in reality they are "why am I even doing this?" The end.

"Imma do what I want, lookin' ahead no turnin' back" --Mr. Cudi

Facebook Tips and Strategies

Part two of the eight-part series entitled "Societal Flaws: Why People Struggle with Life" will focus on Facebook and how you can be good and bad at Facebook. Part of this topic has already been discussed in Theorem 14 (Facebook Friending).

I do not have an official theorem for this topic as I have only had one day to ponder it, and I spent most of that day selling dance tickets. So instead I will just stream my conscience.

Statuses: So one thing I do not enjoy is that new thing with Droid that tells you where you are and makes it your status. Statuses are there so you can make a joke, proclaim your love for a sports team, and complain about something (not life). No one wants to hear you complain about life, but everyone enjoys hearing you complain about other things. Also it is assumed that if you spend a weekend with your boyfriend/girlfriend, you will have a good time. Correction: fabulous time. Another week of books and friends!! Haha it's real funny when you type it actually. Sorry, I try to avoid direct ridicule, and I appreciate that you have not unbookmarked the blog (I hope not at least), Jake, but I think it goes without saying that that was too easy to pass up.

So in a more general sense, statuses such as "I love my baby" are polluting Facebook. Speaking of polluting Facebook, I think soft porn has finally infiltrated Zuckerberg's site. My news feed told me that one of my friends likes "5 Things a girl does before meeting her boyfriend," and upon clicking on this link it asked me to verify that I am 18 years or older. I had to decline because I am only 12. Speaking of Zuckerberg, there is a sweet movie coming out on my birthday about Zuckerberg and Facebook. Fun fact that I learned from the previews: Zuckerberg is an actual pimp. I never would have guessed it off the Google images of him. Speaking of my birthday, I no longer need a Halo jersey as Geisman found me a 2-dollar gem of a John Starks jersey at goodwill. Speaking of goodwill, they have some REAL nice windbreakers for only five bucks. Good as a joke and as an everyday article of clothing.

For Facebook wall posts, everything is fair game, no one really looks at those and they are usually uninteresting. Facebook inbox messages are all personal and that's where you really can write your girlfriend/boyfriend Love notes. "Roses are red, violets are blue..." Facebook inbox messages are not for spamming, however. I am talking to you, Kelsey Marie Falter! Your business is a joke and I want to burn all of the books you try to sell.

Facebook chat is best done with a person in the same room as you. Facebook "likes" are a great invention and I love them. Facebook picture uploading should be kept in check, if you have over a million pictures that is too many. Facebook stalking is perfectly acceptable in all forms, including if you grade their math papers. Facebook friending is weird if you aren't friends. Or if you are weird yourself. Actually that brings up a good point: if you are weird yourself, Facebook is not for you. That sounds mean but it is really true. This is only the extreme cases, so don't worry if you have doubts about yourself.

Got this post in by midnight CST.

Ambiguity

So the second part of the two-part series entitled "How to Get Smarter" will be cancelled due to the fact that I never had a second part, I just wanted to call it a "two-part series." Or if I did have an idea for the second part, I would have forgotten it by now since it has been a few days since my last post. Nevertheless, I have officially made a vow to post once a day for the next five days starting today. The formal pledge can be seen on Facebook as my status. I also tweeted it (@BronBronNCo23). I am aware that my Twitname is outdated and I apologize.

I will now begin an eight-part series entitled "Societal Flaws: Why People Struggle with Life." That title is very tentative.

Theorem 16: Our society is cursed with perpetual ambiguity

It seems like almost nothing is taken literally these days, amiright? When asked about my love interests, I was recently asked "are you talking to person X?" My first thought was, "no... I'm talking to you. You can clearly see I am not talking to anyone else." This of course was not what the person was asking me, so I instead responded, "Well I'm not not talking to person X, if you know what I mean." This person apparently did not know what I meant. This person was expecting more of a response like, "no we are just friends" or maybe "yeah she's real hott." It makes no sense to me either.

And where I come from, "hanging out" is a very casual term meaning not doing homework but also not partying. It is a term meaning the middle ground, not a term meaning "on the verge of dating."

As for "hooking up," I don't even know. My neighbor's mom emailed me a few days ago saying she was coming up to campus and that maybe we could hook up. I felt so awkward that I couldn't even bring myself to reply to her email. Look at what society is doing to me...

The list continues with the term "texting." There is nothing about texting that should imply that you are interested in the person, even if it a person of my opposite sex. We all text our mom, and that's just weird.

The list goes on, "watching a movie" "getting some" etc. As a wise woman once told me, what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness. Enough said. Not that that really makes sense, but it sounds cool. Oh, and she did not come up with that.

So, in conclusion, I have decided to go this entire week without any ambiguity in my language. I will take everything literally and answer every question like a wise guy. I do that a lot already, but I'm just going to do it more.

Alright, 10:28, two minutes before sticks, perfect timing. Let's go Tara, time for you to get farmed.

Learning

For the first theorem of the school year, I have chosen to keep it related to academics. This theorem will be part of a two-part series entitled "How to Get Smarter."

Theorem 15: Learning must come naturally or it won't come at all

This theorem is inspired by my theology professor, who recently tried to tell me that by listening and contributing in class discussion, I will learn the most about Exile, Exodus, and Pilgrimage. Listening, maybe: I know for a fact that everyone in the class is smarter about theology than I am so if the students happen to slip in a fact amongst their barrage of opinions, I could, in fact, theoretically, learn something. But with the same logic, the professor (Emily Stetler, I like her) is smarter than all the students, so I think she should just do all the talking. As for contributing, I know personally that no one can learn anything about what I have to say on Exile, Exodus, and Pilgrimage.

This brings me to my main point, which is that all classes should be lecture classes. It is by far the most efficient classroom form of learning. The smart person (professor) who has all the information gives it to the student, who receives it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Note: I have discovered that, aside from Lou Berzai, professors are all EXTREMELY smart in so many ways. Technology savvy maybe not, but very smart nonetheless. It is exactly when the student tries to offer their own information to the professor that this flow is slowed down. If a teacher gets lazy and doesn't feel like teaching, which I know I would do if I had the job of teaching to college students, they can tell you to read something with aforementioned information, but this information better be bullet-pointed or some sort of book on tape, otherwise it is only slowing down this flow. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I knew something that my teacher or professor did not know. Actually I can. It was my sophomore year in high school in my English class. I knew how to write sentences and paragraphs and she didn't. I know she didn't know this because she did not really know anything. But this was a special situation and as far as I can remember, she is the only teacher I have had that was so clueless.

Now you may be saying that class discussion is important for learning how to think critically and argue your points. This is approximately 85% true. Discussion helps in both aspects, especially in arguing your points. However, I believe that you don't really learn either of these things, they just come with practice. For example, you get practice with thinking all the time when you take a test, especially a hard test. The harder the test, the harder you have to think, and the better you get at thinking. And there are a million different things you can argue on your own time, including but not limited to: getting screwed on Halo spawns, why Troy Smith deserved the Heisman over Brady Quinn, and why it is unethical to steal from the DH. If you are interested in a mock argument for practice, Geisman is available for appointments in Room 250. Be prepared for a handsome dose of semantics.

There are two main ways in which lecture classes offer up information, and both have their respective places in academia. The first is the shotgun method, which is employed by John W. Stamper. In this method, you offer an incomprehensible amount of useless information that will be memorized and regurgitated on the test. The vast majority of this information will promptly be forgotten. However, is impossible to regurgitate ALL the information, and some still remains in the gut. Because there was so much to be memorized to start with, there is a reasonable amount that you have retained, thus a reasonable amount that you have learned. This is perfect for a class like Architectural History since the information obtained is equally as useless as the information forgotten, so as long as you got something out of the class, it is more successful than a class discussion. The second method is of course the opposite: full mastery. This is perfect for classes that are in a series, where you will need to learn everything so that you can build upon it next semester.

Lastly, I would like to point out that although this theorem seems tremendously biased toward people like me (math/science/business types), it is actually based in fact. You can't learn an opinion, you can only learn a fact. You also can't learn a skill, you can only practice a skill. Thus if you don't care about learning, then discussions and such might be the way to go. However, you won't get any smarter ("smart" is defined as the word to describe something with lots of information) and it will be a tremendous waste of 3 credit hours at a University full of information.

End of the Summer

I have not had much to write about all summer, and nothing has changed for today.  However, since I was called out by Marilyn on Facebook, I have to keep my dignity and make a post, so I will.  I will bid adieu to Summer 2010 and reminisce on the great memories of the last three months.

I have learned a lot this summer.  I learned that I may or may not be able to live off survey-taking as my full-time employment.  I estimate that I have made about 25 dollars this summer as well as a sweet Notre Dame basketball jersey and a ringtone download.  And that's only a few hours a day at entry-level survey-taking!  This would be a substantial income but I have to pay for my other job, online poker which so far has burned about 20% of my income.  But this is like taxes, or supporting a child or something.  So as long as I don't work too many hours at my second job, I should be financially independent within a few years (and raise a child! But probably only one...).

I also learned that The Office episodes are just as funny the second, third, fourth, and fifth times you watch them.  I officially challenge anyone to a contest of The Office trivia/knowledge/quotes because I will beat you.  I learned that having a good bite is not worth it.  The price of jaw surgery is far too high these days and if I could go back in time I think I would have saved my parents the hassle of paying even for braces.  Dentistry is a joke as well.  I can't believe it took me this long to realize that all they do is clean your teeth, which is what you are supposed to do every day.  The drill-brush they use is probably pretty expensive but I guarantee it is not as much as my parents pay to send me to the dentist once a year.

Speaking of a waste of money, there is nothing that is more of a waste of money than back-to-school shopping.  I just think it is a huge scam to get people to buy things for their children so that they don't get picked on for having old stuff.  And I know I am not the person to be harping on buying only the essentials, since apparently I buy overpriced boxers (I disagree with this) even though I get them for 60% off.  By the way, I am in the market for a new Halo jersey, so if anyone wants to get me one (my birthday is coming up) that would be greatly appreciated.  Reversible mesh jersey for under 2 bucks is the definition of a Halo jersey in case you are wondering.  I want to have a back-up so I don't have to do laundry every other day.

One of the most important things I learned actually is that reading can be enjoyable.  However, I would definitely not recommend reading for enjoyment under any circumstances for the simple fact that it takes too long.  You cannot enjoy 20 minutes of reading the way you can enjoy a 2v2 of Halo.  Sure, sitting down for an hour or so and reading a few chapters can be a good time, but I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to condense that enjoyment and then do it multiple times (essentially a three-game series).  I know I am a huge advocate of Halo and I mention it way too much, but really it provides enjoyment so much more efficiently than reading.  As I so eloquently put in a text message, I've been itching for sticks for quite some time now, and I will  be able to scratch that itch in four days!! WOOOO!! ND!!! YEAHH!!

Or, in other words, iloveyouilovendiloveyouilovend!!!  Rough translation: "I can't wait to get back to Notre Dame."

Which brings me full-circle back to my original point: this post is dedicated to Marilyn for calling me out.  And in posting this, I can officially say, "omg. 12 hours."

P.S. Upon returning to school, I intend to post thoughtful, productive theorems as opposed to these random streams of conscience. 

Facebook Friending

Today, I am proud to present one of Tom's most famous theorems. Only recently did I even consider it a theorem, but it definitely qualifies. It is already quite well-known but I would like to formally declare it as the 14th Theorem and present it to the world so that we may all benefit from it's wisdom.

Theorem 14: When you friend someone on Facebook you give that person the upper-hand, and vice versa.

The theorem is simple and self-explanatory so I won't beat a dead horse, but it is so true. The way I see it, if you meet someone and you friend them before they friend you, you are essentially more motivated to be their friend. Ergo, you need their friendship more than they need yours. Ipso facto, they have the upper-hand on you.

The term upper-hand may seem ambiguous and competitive and it may be both those. And this is what makes it such a great term. Essentially it means you are in control of the relationship. So, if you find yourself friending more people than are friending you, you are probably pretty whipped.

As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is an inferior social networking site to the more youthful and innovative Twitter. Twitter at least keeps track of this "leash" in the form of "Following" and "Followers" totals. If you are following someone but they are not following you, it is obvious they have the upper-hand on you. For example, I am following Blake Lively (@blakeclively) but she is not (yet) following me. In case you were wondering, she is "Wow, forgot about this. hi guys!" on August 13th, 2009. I was holding out for a while, hoping she would follow me, but she didn't because my Twitter account is BronBronNCo23, so she probably thought I was LeBron. Common mistake. Nonetheless, I had to give in and follow her, and now I am on her leash.

Old People

I try to come up with something to write about as often as I can, but sometimes it is difficult. However, it motivates me to realize things and notice patterns that I probably would not otherwise realize and notice. One of these is that old people struggle mightily with pronunciation. Now I will admit I do not have a large sample of data to back up this realization, and although I am tempted to take the fact that my parents can't pronounce words and generalize it into a theorem that all old people can't pronounce words, I will leave it as simply a proposition. And for the record, I consider old to be 48 and older, just so that my parents narrowly make the cut.

Proposition: Old people struggle with pronunciation

The best example of this is the word sudoku. I understand it is an Asian word and that may make it seem intimidating to the elderly, but both my parents do sodukos (well, attempt them...) pretty much every day and so for them, the word is commonplace. However, they insist on calling it "suduku" (with an "ew" sound as the middle syllable). Even when it is written in front of them, they disregard the letters on the page and pronounce the word their own way. I tell them to sound it out and even repeat after me, but sure enough, the next day they change that vowel to a U and I have to start the lesson all over again.

My mom especially has trouble with pronouncing "Texas Hold'em," and there is absolutely no excuse of a language barrier here. It even has "Texas," arguably the most American state of all the states, in its name. I could possibly see how the hick-style contraction of "Hold'em" might throw her off a bit, but no. She insists on calling it Texem Hold'em. ("Hey you should teach me that game you boys play, what is it...Tex-uh....Tex'em Hold'em!" "Sorry mom, I've never heard of that game"). I have tried to understand what causes this mix-up and I can only conclude that the elderly tend to err on the side of repeated sounds (su-doo-koo, Tex'em Hold'em) which is why they have no trouble with rhyming words or words like banana.

Sometimes I think they just don't try. Like with this one woman who asked me if I ever listen to Seerus. I had no idea what she was talking about and didn't even consider the fact that she was actually mispronouncing the word Sirius (Satellite Radio). And she didn't even use a questioning/unsure tone that would indicate that she knew that maybe she was not pronouncing it quite correctly. But no, she wanted to know, with an utmost confidence in herself, if I listened to Seerus. Are you serious woman?

I can't decide if I prefer someone to give a stab at a word and end up butchering it to jibberish, or if it is better to start a word very cautiously, hoping ESP kicks in and someone can finish it for you. There is no doubt both are annoying when they are overused, but I think I prefer the first. At least you are trying. Aim for the stars and land among the clouds is what I always say. I also say that the greatest risk is not taking one. But it really helps if you get a few syllables right...

As for the other option, ESP sometimes is quite effective. For example, if my mom is talking about basketball and starts a word with "Zuh" or "Ill" I know she is talking about Zydrunas Ilgauskas. She doesn't need to even mention the Cavs or NBA, I know she is never going to get the whole name on her own nor do I want her to try. It will only lead to frustration for all parties involved.

Sometimes, my mom will combine both strategies, which also has its place. For example, when she is talking about baseball, and she mentions Cabrera, I know that she could mean any Latino name beginning with a C (Cordova, Cordero, etc.). I mentally expand my search and usually am able to come up with the person she is talking about. As long as I keep her knowledge of sports to one or two teams per sport, this strategy is effective.

Anyway, I come across examples like these all the time and unfortunately I think this is a problem that is unfixable. I do my best to educate the elderly, but they always revert to their old ways.

Hand Sanitizer

After further contemplation on the topic of stealing from the DH, I have decided to avoid all controversy in my posts for a while. The topic was weighing on my mind but in the long run it caused me too much stress and anger and I feel it is something better to be left undiscussed. I do, however, have new wisdom that I would like to share. This wisdom is useful in everyday life and should be heeded by all.

Hand Sanitizer: Keeping you Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable?

Many people are of the belief that hand sanitizer will reduce your risk of catching the flu or the common cold, but this is only partly true. The free hand sanitizer at the DH advertises itself as being able to stop the spread of germs or slow it down or something, and this is true and accurate. It however, does not advertise that it is also the poison that is killing your immune system and leaving your body defenseless to deadly diseases and viruses!

Theorem 13: Hand Sanitizer is a hazard to your health

Now I don't claim to be a doctor, but there are a few things that I think I know about the body, specifically the immune system. The first thing is that when you get sick and your body fights the disease, your immune system becomes strengthened after recovery. So, if you really want to keep yourself from getting sick, you have to get yourself sick. Now this sounds like a contradiction, and it is, but it isn't. No one can go through life without ever getting sick, so the key is to get yourself sick with just the right sickness at the most convenient time. This is why I lick doorknobs about two weeks before finals, when things are in the last lull before everything falls on you at once. That way, when finals roll around, my immune system will be impenetrable. I also try to avoid people with dangerous viruses like meningitis or AIDS and longer-term viruses like mono or AIDS, all the while trying to surround myself with people that have runny noses or a nice deep, rich cough.

So how does hand sanitizer play into all this you ask? Hand sanitizer does the opposite effect that licking doorknobs does. It keeps your body from the germs, thereby coddling it and making it weak. So if you want to keep yourself from getting sick and you think you are doing so by using hand sanitizer, you are actually setting yourself up for disaster. Eventually your immune system will deteriorate until you can't breathe without a SARS mask. Hand sanitizer is only good for short term protection (i.e. big test coming up in a few days or Spring Break in a few days and you don't want to get sick). But even in the short term, don't put too much faith in it because if you read the fine print, .01% of germs are not killed. That's a lot of germs.

So is there any way to make your immune system stronger without licking doorknobs? Thankfully, there are two ways. The first is a magical liquid, a potion if you will. I am of course talking about orange juice, the world's greatest immune booster. Drinking orange juice is the smartest thing you can do when you feel a little iffy. There is no limit to how much you can drink, and it tastes great. The second smartest thing you can do is get quality sleep. I'm not just talking about the eight hours a night sleep, I'm talking about the ten hour, 2 am-to-noon, I-love-my-bed-and-have-no-prior-obligations sleep. No virus can infect a body in hibernation and that's a fact. And even if you don't feel tired because of coffee and caffeine and other drugs, you probably are deeply fatigued and are being infected, so beware.

You may be saying, "there's many other ways to improve your immune system and keep you from getting sick." Unfortunately, these are hoaxes. Many people believe that eating "well" (what does that even mean, really?) can keep you from getting sick. This is false: vegetables and salads do nothing and are very much overrated. The jury is still out on drinking tea and other herbal supplements (like Chai and fish oil and green tea) to boost the immune system, but I personally do not believe in them. I am not a strong believer in the Asian imports in general; I like to put my trust in American products like Florida oranges. By the way, Happy Belated Birthday America!

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Again, I would like to apologize for the tension and angry words in my latest posts. I would also like to say the BronBron is now tweeting, so you should check him out at @kingjames.

NumbSkulls

I will have to delay the posting of Hand Sanitizer: Keeping you Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable? to respond to one of the most infuriating comments made by Fitzy, a loyal follower and friend of the blog. I definitely appreciate the comment as well as the loyalty to the blog and I regret that I have to call Fitzy a numbskull (Geisman 2010), but there is no other option. I also apologize for posting a picture of Bronnie dunking on Kevin Garnett, there was no malice intended in that, it was just the next good picture that I could find on Google images. It's amazing how many of the images out there on Google are of LeBron...

1. No one EVER claimed that Grab 'N Go should be worth the value of one meal at the DH. You are expected to not use up all 14 meals, but people complained about this so they began a inexpensive system called Grab 'N Go as another option. A "gift" if you will. There is no way it is worth 11 dollars and no one would ever argue that it is. Besides, your meals at the dining hall aren't worth 11 dollars either, that is just the price they use to gouge from the wealthy parents and alumni and random people that will pay for it. It costs 2 bucks to get a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine, but no one expects to pay $48 for a 24-pack... This is not robbery because the alternative is a wasted meal. It is free food/mini water bottles, be thankful. I didn't want to have to bring this up, but there are starving children in Uzbekistan...

2. I did these unthinkable acts a while back, before I matured as a person. And I understand now that I was completely in the wrong. That's what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is for. Forgive me Father for I have sinned... I just wanted to clear the air so there wouldn't be anyone claiming they saw me take a muffin out of the DH, but I am a changed man now.

3. I'm estimating it takes about a minute and a half to walk to the basement, and a minute and a half to walk back, and then maybe two minutes to grab your food and check out. That's five minutes, and I'm saying you can get 7 more minutes to eat a meal at the DH. Subtracting out the travel time that is still necessary to eat at the DH, it absolutely is possible to eat in nine minutes without getting sick. You get sick when you lick doorknobs or make-out with everyone. You get a tummy ache when you eat too fast. And if you still debate this (which I'm sure you do), tune in to ESPN at noon on July 4th for the Hot Dog Eating contest, where Joey Chestnut will prove my point.

4. 14 meals a week, 7 days a week equals 2 meals a day. No class begins before the DH opens and I doubt you have classes that keep you from eating dinner. Lunch: it's very possible and probably likely that you can't attend lunch on a few days. But you only get two meals a day so I suggest breakfast and dinner. JOsh is always lonely at breakfast anyway...

5. This is one of the hardest points for me to explain through a blog, but if you don't want to pay the 200 dollars (which I don't) then you have to make a change. And I'm starting with the man in the mirror. If no one steals, eventually it will be taken out, you can't argue that. Obviously there will never be a case where no one steals, but if you think it is okay to, then we definitely won't. If you think it is not okay, then we might. Think about that...

And again, I'm just arguing it is immoral. See Kant's categorical imperative.

6. First, to take 11 dollar's worth of granola bars, do you have any idea how many granola bars you'd be taking? I honestly have no idea, but at the price they get those granola bars, it would be WAYYYY more than 7 points. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, I can say "as many points as they like."

Again, if everyone did what these people do, it would NOT be a good system and it would NOT continue. There is no way they would be able to keep it up if people took, say, 30 points at a time. Who knows if this is even profitable for the University? I don't even think it is. I truly believe it is just an extra system that students can use where the money used for its upkeep is negligible compared to that used for the DH.

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I'd like to say Happy Birthday America. I think we should all thank an American for making this country so great. And speaking of America, America's good friend Australia will be hosting JOsh, and we can all follow his adventures at

http://thereandbackagainaustralia.blogspot.com/

Now that I have cooled off a little, I would like to again apologize for calling you a Numbskull, Fitzy. That was uncalled for, but I have already written this thing and it wouldn't make sense to erase it. I appreciate your constructive criticism, it has forced me to make my points more clear and thorough. Thank you for making this country great.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Without going into too much detail about how the topic of stealing from the DH makes me furious in almost every way, I'd like to state that it does (make me furious in almost every way). Even just trying to find the right words for the opening sentence of this post has me a little frustrated and snappy.

Also, to avoid too much hypocrisy, I would like to say that I have, no more than once or twice, taken an extra muffin or doughnut. I also had a short period of about a week where I would fill up my empty water bottle with the raspberry flavored water after going to the Rock because I was getting bored with the average everyday H2O. I honestly cannot remember of any other time I have stolen from the DH. Oh, and also the time I put my silverware in my pocket because I needed both hands to thoroughly rub the sanitizer deep into my pores and then I found the silverware later that day. I felt guilty for weeks, but lucky for me that was just before Lent so I got to repent soon after the sin was committed.

Since this is a very controversial topic, I will pick my battles and start with the most obviously immoral: Taking more than 7 points or 9 points or whatever it is for Grab 'N Go. Grab 'N Go is nothing more than a privilege for those people who "don't have time" for sitting down at the DH. Therefore, it is in no way necessary that it be worth the price of a meal at the DH (which is like over ten bucks). If you give a mouse a cookie... Ridiculous. Be thankful for the option to get something out of your would-be-wasted meals. Besides, most of the Grab 'N Go food ends up in the trash anyway, but that isn't the reason it is insane to believe you have the right to take more than 7 points. It is insane because you don't even necessarily have to have Grab 'N Go. You can eat just as much food (actually way more) in the DH in just slightly more time (say, 7 minutes). Can you really not find an extra 7 minutes in your day to eat a variety of better food? You can, very very easily. And if you are lying to yourself and say you can't, then just make sure you eat twice as many calories as you normally would (eat fries and the fried chicken, quick calories there), then you don't have to get your next meal and can save that time.

This brings me to the most ridiculous, nonsensical argument I've ever heard. According to Joey, as a counter to the previous argument (that you can just find the time to go to the DH if you really want to), knowing that you have Grab 'N Go as an option will make you schedule your day differently and therefore you will end up not having enough time to go to the DH. In other words, you will naturally make it so you ONLY have time for Grab 'N Go. HAHAHAHAH. I have never once gone to Grab 'N Go for a meal, so that argument is automatically refuted. Also, if having extra options really and truly affects you that negatively, then you have a problem that needs a-fixin'.

So if I have to sum up the reason why it is immoral to take more than 7 points, I would like to cite Immanuel Kant's categorical imperative. Essentially, an action is moral if you can expect everyone to do that same action and there not be a contradiction. Can you expect everyone to take as many points as they like? No, Grab 'N Go would not work, and they would have to take it away so no one gets the privilege. I feel like a kindergarten teacher explaining this.

Now, for the less obvious but equally as immoral: Stealing "stuff" from the DH. I will group food together with things like chairs, tables, cups, silverware, plates, etc.

Everyone knows about the 200 dollars that is incorporated into everyone's tuition for stolen goods, so people think they are entitled to 200 dollars-worth of stolen goods. So, you say, we all should take what is rightfully ours since we have already paid for it. Do you think if we all took 200 dollars from the DH, the amount incorporated for stolen goods would be 200 dollars next year? No, it would be like 1000, because not everyone takes 200 dollars from the DH as it is, and it stays at 200 dollars. Then you see, "oh, I am paying 1000 for stolen goods, better get stealing." And then it goes up indefinitely.

So you say, no, that is all hypothetical and will never happen because the honest people won't steal. This is true, but why is it fair that you steal and I don't? It is not, which makes it immoral. Again, according to the categorical imperative, it is not morally permissible if you can't expect everyone to do what you do. So, since it is after all stealing and God/Moses/whoever with the tablet says Thou Shall Not (Shan't) Steal, I suggest no one steals, so that we can save 200 bucks. What's that you say? That is idealistic? Well screw you because that is the way it should be. You don't need to steal anything from the DH, those chairs are cheap and old and the cups suck. Sac up and buy it with your own money. Don't have the money? Take surveys and earn some petty cash. If you really want to steal something for fun, you should steal that something, then the next day impress that lady at the door by showing what you stole. Hopefully that will inspire her to be more attentive and earn her paycheck.

* By the way, has anyone seen the Even Stevens episode where Louis and Ren are both in detention together, and when the principle or whatever leaves, they flip everything over and start betting on which mouse will win the mouse race? And then when the principle comes back to check on them, they get back in their seats so that when the principle opens the door they pull the string which is attached to the lever which lifts the arm of the lifeless body of the detention guy. Anyway, the old lady with the red hair that might not live to see Fall 2010 reminds me of that detention guy.

Finally, to wrap up my point, I would like to say that it's not a big deal if you steal things, I just assume my financial aid covers that part, but don't even dare trying to tell me it is justified. Understand and admit you are acting immorally and by doing so, you are going to Hell. That is all.

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Stay tuned for my in-depth look into the immune system in Hand Sanitizers: Keeping You Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable?

Also, I would like to advertise JOsh's upcoming Australia blog. Hey, JOsh will have a blog about Australia.

Shower Sandals

There were two things I was reminded of this past weekend that I feel very strongly about. Both are extremely controversial and both make me absolutely livid when people disagree with me. So, since it is in no way sports related, I feel it is my privilege and responsibility to talk some sense into anyone who reads my words.

Theorem 12: Shower sandals are useless and unnecessary and a sign of weakness

I hate when people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I don't wear sandals in public showers. "Ewww! The shower floor is so disgusting, you'll get foot diseases!" I've asked many people if they know anyone who has ever gotten a foot disease from the shower floor, and so far no one has. And the only thing you have a reasonable chance of getting is athlete's foot, which as far as I am concerned is basically like a mild sunburn between the toes, easily treatable by some Aloe. We're not talking about gout or anything, just athlete's foot. And for a washed up three-sport high school sports player, it is kind of an honor to have that skin condition.

People also say, "Eww people pee in the showers." This is true (...I know that from hearsay). However, who cares? Urine is sterile, and every time you turn on the shower, it's like flushing the toilet: the urine gets washed down the drain. Touching a doorknob with your hand is really what you should be concerned about, those things never get cleaned. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure most people use anti-bacterial soap of some sort while taking showers (granted, I've only showered with myself so I don't technically know that...), so that soap falls on the ground and cleans the floor to a spotless "extra" clean. So if you are really concerned about your foot picking up some bacteria, just throw some soap down on the ground before you step in the shower or just wash your feet at the end. Washing yourself is supposed to get rid of bacteria after all.

Finally, people often say, "well what's wrong with just wearing sandals just to be safe?" Well I will tell you what is wrong with that, in the form of two rhetorical follow-up questions. "What's wrong with wearing a bomb suit when you go paintballing or a radiation suit when you do a titration in a high school chemistry lab?" and "Doesn't it feel weird being completely naked but wearing shoes?" Basically what I'm trying to say here is the sandals are unnecessary and it's all hype. I'm also trying to say that it's not a true shower unless you are naked.

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It's late so I will keep the more controversial of the two for tomorrow since this one has already gotten me riled up and I don't think I'll be able to sleep as it is. I'd also like to say I love you LeBron. Lastly, Jacob, I am glad to see your gray, lifeless, indistinguishable face in the followers section.

LeBron Sweepstakes

I still do not have a theorem to offer, I have spent way too much time watching soccer and not enough time philosophizing. However, I do not regret this decision one bit.

We are currently in one of the best stretches of time in sports. The World Cup is nearing on its most exciting part: the knockout round, and US National Team has provided us with one of the best finishes to a game in its not-so-illustrious history. France and Italy have embarrassed themselves, and I couldn't be happier. It seems to be shaping up just as I hoped.

By the way, it has been brought to my attention that my predictions for the World Cup have somehow proved to be somewhat accurate. This combined with the fact that I was in the 100.0% in ESPN.com's Soccer Pick'Em Fantasy Game is really inflating my ego, and believe me, that is not a good thing. If this keeps up, I'm liable to actually convince myself I know what I'm talking about, and that just means I'll never stop talking about it...

Even the sport of tennis has gotten in on the action. The most incredible tennis match ever played just finished 6-4, 3-6, 6-7, 7-6, 70-68, spanning three days and taking over 11 hours to play, of course with the Amurican coming out on top. The NBA draft is about to begin where my boys Evan Turner and Gordon Hayward will hopefully be drafted by the Cleveland LeBrons. Speaking of LeBron, his sweepstakes also begin in a week, which will surely provide for lively entertainment for all. I obviously would like him to stay in Cleveland and I think he should do so (for his own good) but not for the reasons that you might be familiar with. Here are my reasons:


1) Because they will have to change the name of the franchise from the Cleveland LeBrons back to the Cleveland Cavaliers. For seven seasons, LeBron has been the franchise and it has been nothing but financial success for the city. If Cleveland has to go back to being the Cavaliers it will be devastating for the team, the city, and the league.

2) The LeBron decorations. Whose picture is going to replace LeBron’s “We are all Witnesses” posters on the sides of so many buildings in Cleveland? Varajao? Mo Williams? Z? … No, it just won’t work. No one has that glorious open-armed look to the heavens like LeBron and no one wants to be a witness to Varajao's flops, even Cleveland fans. Although seeing Z up there would be kind of amusing...

3) Because Cleveland is so likeable. Think about it. No one likes the frontrunner and New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago always seem to win things. If LeBron goes to these cities, he will be roped into the karma of the rest of the city and no one will like him. Cleveland is the classic underdog and he is just more popular being a part of its charm.

4) His paycheck. He can be offered the largest salary in Cleveland. People seem to like money and I think LeBron is no different.

5) Other job openings. There are openings in the front office and as head coach of the team. This is a perfect opportunity to LeBron to step in as a player-coach (a la Jackie Moon for the Tropics) or even player-coach-GM. This means three rings for the price of one Championship, which is a great way to make up for some lost time in his first seven seasons.
The Cleveland Browns. He may even be able to make the squad for the Browns, earning him extra income and allowing him to better his legacy as a two-sport professional athlete. LeBron has experience in high school as a football star and there is no doubt the Browns could use any help they can get. Come to think of it, the Indians could use some help too… The possibilities are endless in Cleveland.

6) There is already plenty of media in New York and L.A. LeBron has been a virtual photographer for the Cavaliers for a while now who takes pregame pictures of his teammates. It is likely he won’t be able to find this job in any other city, where photographers are lurking around every corner.

7) The new jerseys. It always is strange wearing a jersey for a new team after you have worn the same team's jersey for so many years. However, LeBron will have to say goodbye to the 19 different throw-back jerseys that the Cavaliers use regularly. Avid LeBron fans won't have the chance to buy LeBron home, away, alternate home, alternate away, light blue, light yellow, maroon, orange, black, blue, green, and magenta jerseys if he goes to the Knicks. Think of how much money is lost there.

8) His fashion. LeBron has become accustomed to wearing some absolutely ridiculous clothing and if he goes to a major city, especially New York, he is liable to end up on What Not to Wear. That's just too embarrassing for everyone involved and I don't want that to happen to him.

I promise the next post will not have to deal with sports. LATER

Say No to Racism

In response to a recently filed formal complaint by a loyal follower, I am obliged to make a post. Unfortunately, I am very much lacking content now as I have been all summer. However, I have chosen the topic of this post to again be the World Cup. There are three reasons for this choice. First, it is the second-greatest quadrannual sporting event, the first being the Olympics, and therefore it should be highly publicized by even the most obscure new-media blogs. Second, all I do is watch soccer these days so it's all I care about. And third, I want an excuse to upload Tommy Smyth's round, teddy-bear face again so I can see it on the front page.

So here are my thoughts:

First, I have come to the conclusion that the soccer announcers of the World Cup are for some reason quite racist, or at least lack political correctness. This of course does not bother me, I just find it amusing.

Unfortunately I can't remember most of the comments I've heard that support this claim but here are a couple I do remember...

1) In an international friendly against China, an announcer claimed that Asian men have a lower pain tolerance than the Europeans and that this was the reason for so many of China's injuries. And this was following a comment that implied the team's struggles were due to so many injuries. Ipso facto, China sucks because they are a bunch of wussies. Now I know the pain tolerance claim is supported by science (seriously Yao Ming is always injured), but I can't imagine this comment not being met with criticism in the States.

2) In an example of reverse racism, the announcer for France's first World Cup match (not sure who) mentioned very directly two or three times his disappointment with the two white players for France. In other words, "I like black people but the white ones can't play soccer very well." Again, notice that there are only two white players for France. Out of eleven. I don't understand this, it's France.

3) I also have noticed that virtually none of the analysts predict wins for Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa, or Algeria. And the only African country that they predicted a win for was Cameroon, but they were playing Japan. Coincidence? I think not. Is it because these teams are not that good? Debateable. Is it because of racism? Probably not. But it's fun to think so.

Speaking of racism, I can't tell you how delighted I was that Keisuke Honda was the man of the match for Japan. Unfortunately, there is no one named Kim-Jong Hyundai or Wong-Tong Kia for North Korea in their match tomorrow. Fun fact(s) though: of the 23 players on the active roster, five (5) are named Kim (that's a girls name mind you), five (5) are named Ri, four (4) named Pak, two (2) named An, and one (1) each named Cha, Ji, Nam, Mun, Choe, Jong, and Hong. All have hyphenated last names (although "first" and "last" are ambiguous terms for the Asian countries), most being combinations of Myongs, Kwangs, Jongs, Ils, or slight deviations of the previous four. I did check though, no Jong-Ils, so we should be safe.

Speaking of names, the three best names so far are 1) Tshabalala 2) Honda 3) Schweinsteiga (with an A).

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Few remaining notes: I hate everyone that plays for Italy. They are a bunch of jokes and they whine about everything and dive more than anyone. I literally feel embarrassed for them. They got lucky against Paraguay but they will get what they deserve soon enough. Also, Spain is absolutely dirty and they are not overrated. Finally, I would like to express my full satisfaction with the support for U.S. soccer being received overseas in China, England, and Italy. Keep up the good work.

World Cup Preview

10 days following the surgery and I look only slightly less like a chipmunk than I did the day of. My face is still numb, I am officially tired of drinking smoothies, and I've lost 12 pounds. Nevertheless, I couldn't be happier because we are ONE WEEK away from the WORLD CUP!! If you aren't excited for the greatest tournament on earth, there is something seriously wrong with you.

So I decided to put together my own preview some of the countries of importance...

France - Arretez les bleus! Tara, your Frenchmen blow. They just lost to China 1-0 in a friendly and although every one of their players is an absolute baller, they canNOT play as a team. It is embarrassing, but I have no sympathy for them because they are French. Also, what I do not understand is where they got so many black men to play on the team. Thirteen of the twenty-three players are of African descent, yet only 8-10% of the nation's demographic is black. This perplexes me greatly, but I do enjoy black people with French accents (see Mickael Pietrus). Anyway, I predict a failure to advance from pool play and a lot of French anguish which will be met with my pure delight.

China - Bobby's and Abaigh's Chinamen did not make it to the World Cup this year but nonetheless I am definitely a fan. After beating powerhouse France 1-0, they all seemed so happy and gleeful. I've never seen a goalie high-five his defenders when the ball goes over the endline for a goal-kick, it's like they are 10-year-olds. We need more Asian representation in the World Cup, that is all.

Albania- Steier's 79th-ranked Albanese are probably not that good but I honestly have no way of knowing. Fun fact: they beat Montenegro 1-0 in a friendly on May 25th. No one was watching.

England- Lauren and Jenn have a really good team, obviously, but they are goin' down. The United States is going to beat them 3-1. But England will still advance from pool play and go deep in the elimination rounds despite losing defender and team captain Rio Ferdinand to injury. The Three Lions are full of ballers and they will settle for nothing less than excellence. I can't wait to see them play.

Italy- Keeping with the front-runners theme, Miss Italian Conquistador's, Metoxen's, and Meredith's Azzurri are also ballers. However, I hate them. They are getting old, and in a tremendously ironic turn of events, one of their better players (De Rossi?) will actually hurt himself falling to the ground for one of his flops and be out for the tournament. Then they will be upset a few times and not make it out of pool play. I'm rooting for the Slovaks to take their place.

Spain- And the front-runner of front-runners, La Furia Roja is poised for a deep run into the elimination rounds, possibly taking it all. I am not convinced, however, and I think they will struggle. Fernando Torres will get a red card sometime during the game in which they are eliminated and the Spaniards will lose on PKs. Anyway, sorry Jake but your team is bound for disappointment.

The United States- The team that will beat the Spaniards in PKs is the United States. The U.S. will far surpass expectations and do work. I can't wait to see it.

Ireland- Tom's Irish should absolutely be in the World Cup, if for no other reason than to keep Tommy Smyth a happy old man.

Australia- And lastly, Josh's Socceroos. I know nothing about the Australian national team, but I do know that Australians are crazy. Check out this crazy sport and tell me you didn't wish you were Australian. Or if they aren't out breaking their necks on the football oval field thing, they are of course piercing their nipples and throwing crazy parties. Thus, I am left only to conclude that they suck at soccer and will not advance. I'm pulling for Ghana... gotta love those Black Stars.

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Since I love Flash Mobs more than the next guy, I found this one from Belgium. I even spotted Liesl, she comes in at 0:50 with the brown boots.

LATER

Nurses

In my first post-surgery post (see what I did there?) I will have to disappoint. I have no pictures of face all swollen up, nor any videos reminiscent of David After Dentist, nor any "texts from Tuesday morning around 10 a.m." Trust me, I am just as disappointed as the next guy, but nonetheless I don't log-in to T.O.L. empty-handed.

Those who of you who were lucky enough to receive texts or wall posts from me over the last few days know that I am not one to complain about things like this; complaining gets you no where and is wasted energy. Rather, I look for the silver lining and try to learn from whatever situation I'm in. (Since I understand that sarcasm sometimes gets lost in the blogging process, I will make it clear that this is a complete joke.) Regardless, I did learn two very important things that I will now share:

Lesson 1: Never have jaw surgery
Call me pessimistic, but having jaw surgery is no fun and there is no way this can be worth it. I still look like a chipmunk, but as far as I can tell, I look pretty much the same as I did before the operation. My teeth might be touching now, which is a good thing, but that does no one any good when you can't use your teeth. Honestly I could drink my smoothies a whole lot better if they would have just amputated my jaw.

Lesson 2: Marry a nurse
There are three main reasons I landed on this conclusion. First, nurses provide no shortage of sympathy. I could have had nothing more than a bruised toe and I guarantee I would have been treated just the same. I found out that their profession requires them to preface every statement or question with "aww" or "poor baby" (i.e. "Aww, does your face hurt?" "Poor baby, do you want something to drink?" "Aww, you don't have to cry, it's just ice" or "Aww, no, no one has ever died from mouthwash" etc.). This has to be a good thing: I'm sure it makes for a very compassionate relationship and keeps tensions low. Just imagine, no matter how little you do in your marriage, you will be greeted with sympathy -- "Aww, poor baby, you've been watching sports all day and must be exhausted, would you like dinner?"

Second, they are always looking to do things for you. This goes hand-in-hand with the sympathy factor, but is slightly different. For example, you don't even have to ask for a nurse to get you a drink of water, they will bring it to you as a surprise and you can choose whether or not you want to consume it. They get pleasure out of helping you in any way possible, hence they get pleasure out of being your servant. Conveniently enough, I get pleasure out of having a servant, so it's a win-win.

Third, the majority of nurses are attractive. Fact: four out of five of my nurses were attractive, and the one that was not attractive was like 40, so her data is inconclusive anyway. Regardless, if you extrapolate that, you have the statistic that 80% of nurses are attractive. This means that even if you are forced to choose a nurse at random, the odds are greatly in your favor. I didn't believe it at first, but you can't argue the facts and there is no doubt that four of my nurses were definitively attractive. Furthermore, three out of the four were hott, but this is obviously very subjective so it can therefore not be used to draw scientific conclusions.

Thus, if at all possible, you should marry a nurse, assuming you are a male. If you are female, do not marry a male nurse. Marry a surgeon, they are wealthy.

Spitting between teeth

My mom recently told me that it was disgusting that I spit between my teeth. This was not the first time she's told me this nor is she the only person that has said it. Therefore, I feel it is time to correct these people's misconceptions once and for all.

Theorem 11: Spitting between one's teeth is not disgusting

In fact, it is not really spitting at all. This is technical stuff that many people don't understand, so I will attempt to explain it. When you spit between your teeth, it has to be liquidy and not saliva-y like spit. So you are essentially just sending water between your teeth, which can't possibly be disgusting.

On the other hand, when you spit actual saliva (that you can see on the ground) or mucus, you are ejecting something that was in your body. Thus, this can theoretically be considered disgusting. I personally think it is one of the most natural things a person can do, so it is not disgusting, but everyone has a right to their own opinion.

There are, however, ways for spitting to be disgusting:

1) When you spit on concrete or hard surface and the spit is visible. This is quite disgusting but there are ways to avoid it, such as spitting on grass instead. If you miss the grass (this happens, no one's aim is perfect), you should cover it up with your shoe and rub it away. If you have bare feet you should say something like, "Ah, yummy!" There is nothing better than some good sarcasm to break the tension of a stressful moment of taboo. And then if people really are disgusted, you should sincerely apologize.

2) When you clear your throat (slang term: "hawking/hocking a loogie"). According to some reliable sources, girls never do this. I honestly don't see how this is possible, but good for them. You should always do this when there is no one within earshot. If, however, you screw up, a sarcastic "ah, yummy!" should do the trick.

3) When you try to spit between your teeth but your spit is too thick and saliva-y and it rolls down your chin. This really is just hilarious, and if you make the mistake of doing this then you should definitely practice more before you try again in public.

While I'm on the topic, I'd like to put in a plug for spitting between one's teeth. It is a great thing to do while you are bored or when you are walking somewhere alone and have no one to talk to. It is a mindless habit like spinning your pen or, I don't know, clicking your tongue. It is also a skill that many people are jealous of. Not everyone can do it and so those who can't do it claim those who can are disgusting. Many people think baseball players spit between their teeth because they think it makes them cool, and this is true. There is no doubt that people who spit between their teeth are cooler than those who spit regularly, or not at all. Spitting between one's teeth makes a cool sound as well. Some women have even described this sound as "seductive" (seriously). All you have to do is have something in your mouth like a jolly rancher or almost any hard candy, and you can produce a continuous supply of water in your mouth. From here you just have to practice. You will get the hang of it in no time.

Some Great Videos

The purpose of this post is none other than to share some of my recent favorite videos and hopefully increase my Google rating. I know there is nothing worse than having your time wasted by clicking on a link to a lame YouTube video, so I will do my best to encourage the right people to click on the right link.

I have had huge amounts of time on my hands lately, and since the season finale of The Office came and went, I have started watching some new shows. Unfortunately, I tried Glee. At first the ridiculousness of the show was amusing, but the amusement quickly wore off and I became aware of the fact that I was actually watching a TV show about Glee Club, the most ridiculed club on every college campus. It's like a musical Friday Night Lights minus the football and plus the gleefulness. Anyway, I understand I should be ashamed, and believe you me, I am. However, I also started watching Tosh.0, and this was much more successful. If you haven't seen the show, it is hilarious. I was pretty giddy to begin with, so that is probably why I laughed so hard I cramped up when I watched this clip, but I'm sure everyone can find humor in it. This is funny, so if you click on only one link, make it this one.

If you enjoy watching basketball, watch this compilation of some of the most ridiculous traveling non-calls. If you do not like basketball that much, do NOT watch this because you will probably find nothing interesting about it. Actually it has a pretty cool song.

Speaking of cool songs, here is the Weber grill commercial. It is such a great song, even if it is only 31 seconds long. Unless you already know how great this song is, don't watch this.

I do love great beats, and here is another one. Not a funny video, but a solid video that will make you happy (gleeful) inside. It is the Flash Mob at the Ohio Union on the Ohio State campus (O-H-!!). It was on the front page of YouTube so you might have already seen it, but here it is. Only watch it if you are bored and are looking for something somewhat cool. Oh, and the fact that it is a Glee song is pure coincidence. I in no way, shape, or form support the show.

And that's my random assortment of videos for your enjoyment.