Hand Sanitizer

After further contemplation on the topic of stealing from the DH, I have decided to avoid all controversy in my posts for a while. The topic was weighing on my mind but in the long run it caused me too much stress and anger and I feel it is something better to be left undiscussed. I do, however, have new wisdom that I would like to share. This wisdom is useful in everyday life and should be heeded by all.

Hand Sanitizer: Keeping you Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable?

Many people are of the belief that hand sanitizer will reduce your risk of catching the flu or the common cold, but this is only partly true. The free hand sanitizer at the DH advertises itself as being able to stop the spread of germs or slow it down or something, and this is true and accurate. It however, does not advertise that it is also the poison that is killing your immune system and leaving your body defenseless to deadly diseases and viruses!

Theorem 13: Hand Sanitizer is a hazard to your health

Now I don't claim to be a doctor, but there are a few things that I think I know about the body, specifically the immune system. The first thing is that when you get sick and your body fights the disease, your immune system becomes strengthened after recovery. So, if you really want to keep yourself from getting sick, you have to get yourself sick. Now this sounds like a contradiction, and it is, but it isn't. No one can go through life without ever getting sick, so the key is to get yourself sick with just the right sickness at the most convenient time. This is why I lick doorknobs about two weeks before finals, when things are in the last lull before everything falls on you at once. That way, when finals roll around, my immune system will be impenetrable. I also try to avoid people with dangerous viruses like meningitis or AIDS and longer-term viruses like mono or AIDS, all the while trying to surround myself with people that have runny noses or a nice deep, rich cough.

So how does hand sanitizer play into all this you ask? Hand sanitizer does the opposite effect that licking doorknobs does. It keeps your body from the germs, thereby coddling it and making it weak. So if you want to keep yourself from getting sick and you think you are doing so by using hand sanitizer, you are actually setting yourself up for disaster. Eventually your immune system will deteriorate until you can't breathe without a SARS mask. Hand sanitizer is only good for short term protection (i.e. big test coming up in a few days or Spring Break in a few days and you don't want to get sick). But even in the short term, don't put too much faith in it because if you read the fine print, .01% of germs are not killed. That's a lot of germs.

So is there any way to make your immune system stronger without licking doorknobs? Thankfully, there are two ways. The first is a magical liquid, a potion if you will. I am of course talking about orange juice, the world's greatest immune booster. Drinking orange juice is the smartest thing you can do when you feel a little iffy. There is no limit to how much you can drink, and it tastes great. The second smartest thing you can do is get quality sleep. I'm not just talking about the eight hours a night sleep, I'm talking about the ten hour, 2 am-to-noon, I-love-my-bed-and-have-no-prior-obligations sleep. No virus can infect a body in hibernation and that's a fact. And even if you don't feel tired because of coffee and caffeine and other drugs, you probably are deeply fatigued and are being infected, so beware.

You may be saying, "there's many other ways to improve your immune system and keep you from getting sick." Unfortunately, these are hoaxes. Many people believe that eating "well" (what does that even mean, really?) can keep you from getting sick. This is false: vegetables and salads do nothing and are very much overrated. The jury is still out on drinking tea and other herbal supplements (like Chai and fish oil and green tea) to boost the immune system, but I personally do not believe in them. I am not a strong believer in the Asian imports in general; I like to put my trust in American products like Florida oranges. By the way, Happy Belated Birthday America!

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Again, I would like to apologize for the tension and angry words in my latest posts. I would also like to say the BronBron is now tweeting, so you should check him out at @kingjames.