Free Will

Ever wondered why you sporcle when you "should" be studying or why you are on Facebook while you "should" be writing your paper or why you are playing Halo while you "should" be sleeping? Here is the answer, according to Tara...

Theorem 8: The Free Will Theorem

I saved this theorem specifically for Finals Week since I figured it would be most appropriate now. I will do my best to regurgitate Tara's brilliance, but as with any guest theoremizer, I will probably not be able to do the theorem justice, so talk directly to the source if you have any questions.

Essentially, to determine whether or not you will actually do an action, you must take into account two criteria: whether or not you want to do the action and whether or not you should do the action. Both criteria are ranked/rated on a [-10, 10] interval (that is, if you want to do an action really really badly, that action will have a 9.99 on the "desire" scale, but if you really really should not do the action, it would have a -9.99 on the "should" scale). You will add the two numbers together and if the sum is positive, you will do the action, if it is negative, you will not do the action. If it is zero, God will decide.

So the way I understand this, it is a theorem that determines the power of your free will. The more you want to do something, the more likely you are to actually do that action. It also predicts the future. If there is something you know you really want to do, but you feel you probably shouldn't, you can determine whether or not you will do it and thus plan accordingly. You cannot control your desires and the numbers don't lie, so knowing what you are inevitably going to do is crucial.

The simplicity of this theorem worried me at first. It seems as though there would have to be other factors that would determine whether or not you do something. But then I realized most of these fall into whether or not you "should" do an action. If your parents tell you to do something, you "should" listen to them. If you want to live, you "should" eat food, etc.

And I also realized how much this explains my actions on a daily basis. For example, while working on a paper or studying for a test, Steier will ask me if I want to play Halo. I will say "Nah I gots to do this." And then I will realize I didn't answer his question and that I do, in fact, really want to play Halo. I obviously should not play Halo, but I always do. This leads me to wonder, why do I always play Halo whenever someone asks me to? This theorem explains it: because my "desire" rating for playing Halo is a constant 10, so the only way for me to not play Halo is if my "should" rating is a -10, leaving the decision up to God. However, the "should" rating will never be -10, becuase I have to take into account my loyalty to my friends. I have a responsibility to play Halo whenever they want to play, and to say no to them would make me a bad friend. I "should" not be selfish; selfish people put their schoolwork before others' need for Halo, and I just can't live with that burden.

Knowing the future, I can plan accordingly. I know that around 12:05 Metoxen will take off the invisibility cloak and will be calling for sticks, and I know I will be playing. Therefore, I need to block out the time from 12:05 until 2:30 for the farming, and then from 2:30 until 3:00 for trashtalking and reminiscing on said farming. (Farming (vb.): To kill mass quantities of people with ease and enjoyment without being killed yourself. Synonyms: You're Bad, Spree Me). There is no way to avoid the inevitable and I must accept that.

Sometimes, however, the sum is too close to zero to determine with certainty whether or not you will do an action. This creates for excitement in life. For example, I really REALLY don't want to study for my philosophy test, but I obviously definitely should. I cannot say for certain whether or not I actually will, so come Tuesday afternoon, I will either be somewhat prepared or not at all. The excitement that I may actually free-ball a final is titulating (love that word, but I don't know what it means. You can probably guess why I love it).

So, in conclusion, if you ever want to know why you are doing what you are currently doing, or whether or not you will do an action, just add up these two important numbers from -10 to 10. This simple 1-d model of life explains everything.

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In an effort to boost my Google rating, I will now link to other somewhat popular sites (YouTube). For those who don't know, Google has a complex algorithm that determines what order on its search engine your site will appear, and I think this site might be a bit low. However, if you Google theoremsoflife (all one word) you will find it. So I should be getting a lot of hits from all those computers missing a space bar...

One of my personal favorites: if you are in a giddy mood, watch this. If you are not giddy or cannot let yourself laugh at a mentally handicapped person, do not watch this. O-Mazing Grace

And of course, for personal pride I will try to boost hits of me curling...