Nurses

In my first post-surgery post (see what I did there?) I will have to disappoint. I have no pictures of face all swollen up, nor any videos reminiscent of David After Dentist, nor any "texts from Tuesday morning around 10 a.m." Trust me, I am just as disappointed as the next guy, but nonetheless I don't log-in to T.O.L. empty-handed.

Those who of you who were lucky enough to receive texts or wall posts from me over the last few days know that I am not one to complain about things like this; complaining gets you no where and is wasted energy. Rather, I look for the silver lining and try to learn from whatever situation I'm in. (Since I understand that sarcasm sometimes gets lost in the blogging process, I will make it clear that this is a complete joke.) Regardless, I did learn two very important things that I will now share:

Lesson 1: Never have jaw surgery
Call me pessimistic, but having jaw surgery is no fun and there is no way this can be worth it. I still look like a chipmunk, but as far as I can tell, I look pretty much the same as I did before the operation. My teeth might be touching now, which is a good thing, but that does no one any good when you can't use your teeth. Honestly I could drink my smoothies a whole lot better if they would have just amputated my jaw.

Lesson 2: Marry a nurse
There are three main reasons I landed on this conclusion. First, nurses provide no shortage of sympathy. I could have had nothing more than a bruised toe and I guarantee I would have been treated just the same. I found out that their profession requires them to preface every statement or question with "aww" or "poor baby" (i.e. "Aww, does your face hurt?" "Poor baby, do you want something to drink?" "Aww, you don't have to cry, it's just ice" or "Aww, no, no one has ever died from mouthwash" etc.). This has to be a good thing: I'm sure it makes for a very compassionate relationship and keeps tensions low. Just imagine, no matter how little you do in your marriage, you will be greeted with sympathy -- "Aww, poor baby, you've been watching sports all day and must be exhausted, would you like dinner?"

Second, they are always looking to do things for you. This goes hand-in-hand with the sympathy factor, but is slightly different. For example, you don't even have to ask for a nurse to get you a drink of water, they will bring it to you as a surprise and you can choose whether or not you want to consume it. They get pleasure out of helping you in any way possible, hence they get pleasure out of being your servant. Conveniently enough, I get pleasure out of having a servant, so it's a win-win.

Third, the majority of nurses are attractive. Fact: four out of five of my nurses were attractive, and the one that was not attractive was like 40, so her data is inconclusive anyway. Regardless, if you extrapolate that, you have the statistic that 80% of nurses are attractive. This means that even if you are forced to choose a nurse at random, the odds are greatly in your favor. I didn't believe it at first, but you can't argue the facts and there is no doubt that four of my nurses were definitively attractive. Furthermore, three out of the four were hott, but this is obviously very subjective so it can therefore not be used to draw scientific conclusions.

Thus, if at all possible, you should marry a nurse, assuming you are a male. If you are female, do not marry a male nurse. Marry a surgeon, they are wealthy.