Stereotypes

Happy May 12th everyone! It's been a few days since the last post, but to my defense I've had a number of The Office episodes to re-watch and I've been bogged down with all the sleep I have to catch up on. I've also been in serious depression since last night's debacle that was Game 5. Regardless, the King is still the best athlete in the world and should be praised as so. Without further ado, I present you the Ninth theorem, inspired by Stephanie a.k.a. "Miss Italian Conquistador" herself.

Theorem 9: All geographical stereotypes are true

I would first like to request that everyone refer to Stephanie as her official Jersey Shore nickname from now on. A lot of thought went into that nickname and I would hate to see it go to waste. It's either this or one of the back-up options, "The Defibrilator," "Stephanopolous," or "Spanky McGee," but none of these really roll off the tongue.

Anyway, Miss Italian Conquistador recently texted me saying quote, "I have come to the conclusion that people in Ohio are exceedingly nice. As in talk to you while you are in the bathroom nice. And Ohio has the best rest-stops." I have lived almost my entire life around Ohioans so I essentially assumed Ohioans were the norm and everyone else is to be based off that standard. However, this is definitely not the first time I've heard this sentiment so I've come to the conclusion that it is true. Ohioans are nice, and that is a fact. It pains me to admit that I am using Geisman's theory that "concensus of opinion determines fact" here, but in this case it is applicable. Similarly, it is true that Ohioans drive like grandmas, and it is for this reason that I drive so slowly. I thought it was normal and expected to adhere to the law, but apparently not...

The direct flow of logic leads me to conclude that all geographical stereotypes are true. This pleases me greatly, as I already act as though stereotypes are true. Stereotypes allow me to group people together, jump to conclusions about their character, and treat them accordingly. It just makes the process of meeting people much more efficient. For example, if I meet a man from Kentucky, I can always ask him what it's like to have your aunt as a wife. Or if I meet a man from Utah, I can always ask him which wife he likes the best. Or if you see a person from California, you know that he/she just lit up and is currently high as a kite.

This is definitely one of the most useful theorems so far, and without a doubt applicable in daily life. With this theorem, you can prepare for an interview not by researching about the interviewer, but merely knowing where he/she is from. First dates are so much simpler now as you can learn about interests, personality, and political views of the person all by knowing his/her hometown. Everyone loves a good discussion of stereotypes on a first date.

Geographical stereotypes reach beyond the borders of the U.S. of A. Possibly the most telling feature of a person is their nationality. Be careful, however, as negative stereotypes for nationalities are often far less true than the positive stereotypes. For example, it is absolutely not true that all Middle Easterners are terrorists. Blantantly false. Also, not all Russians are communists. I have a very good Russian friend that is far from Communist. However, if you meet an Asian man, he is smarter than you and his name is probably Mr. Lee, and if you meet a Swedish woman, she is guaranteed to be hot. These national stereotypes are usually well-known so I don't need to list them all but sometimes it takes some research to learn all about a nationality. For example, did you know that all Jamaican women are 6 and a half feet tall? I did not.

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I am pleased to announce that a Google search for "Theorems of Life blog" places my blog second or third on the search results (for the computers I have checked). This is a great success and can possibly be attributed to the backlinks by Abadith and JOsh and anyone else who has linked to this blog anywhere on the Web. I am also pleased to announce that I have received hits from seemingly random people not affiliated with Notre Dame, some even from the state of Oklahoma. I assume, however, that Metoxen just told his great-grandfather (Chief Leaping Antelope) about my blog and he decided to check it out (...see what I did there?).

I was going to provide a link here, but as I was thinking about what link I wanted to provide, I remembered that I never looked to see if they posted a picture in the Observer for the Finish on the 50 event. Specifically, I was expecting to see a picture of me, JOsh, and/or Steier leading the pack for the first 0.05 K (of the total 5K). And just so you know, that's 0.05 K more than you were in first place, so suck it. I spent about half an hour trying to find the picture but was unsuccessful in this endeavor. I now feel that if I were to post a link that is not directed toward a .JPG featuring our collective athletic prowess, it would be a let-down. So, I will not post a link to anything and leave the challenge of finding this picture (which is assuredly out there somewhere) to you. The picture will look something like the one above. The prize will be a Theorem devoted entirely to you. Go!