Genetics

I have always been of the belief that we are all helpless as far being in control of our own health. Many people would fight me on this issue, but I'm fully convinced I am right. I believe that genetics play a much bigger role in determining our health than we think.

Theorem 10: At least 99.9% (give or take) of our health is determined by our genes

This is probably a pretty depressing theorem, considering the fact that if you do the math, that leaves only .1% of your health that you actually control. With a little take, you can bump that up to .2%, but with a little give, you're looking at 0%. Regardless, if you apply the P-T Theorem here, all that time you spend exercising and eating health will get you negligible health points (i.e. you work really REALLY hard but you get BARELY any healthier). That is a very bad ratio.

So, I suggest instead of looking at this as a depressing theorem, be happy that your life is so much easier. No one likes wasting energy, and all the unhealthy foods taste better anyway. Now that you know all the time spent running or biking outside or in a gym is still not going to keep you from that heart attack at age 30, you can spend that time indoors being more productive. You have so much more time for activities such as sleeping, watching The Office, or playing Halo. And now that realize the salads and vegetables are clearly not going to lose those pounds for you, you can replace those with Chipotle, french fries, and Blue Moon ice cream.

The moment I realized this fact, my life became so much simpler. I spend so much less time trying to better myself because I know myself cannot be bettered in the health sense. No matter how much I run, I will still not be in any better shape. On the flipside, I feel as though if I continue to do what little I do right now, I will not be in any worse shape. No matter how much I lift, I will not look like Dwight Howard, and no matter how much I play basketball at the Rock, I'm still not going to get drafted (although I'm looking for a little three-way package with me, LeBron, and Calipari... there's been some interest from the Molokai Mumbojumbos).

You may be very skeptical about this whole claim that exercise and healthy eating does virtually nothing for your health, but I have put a lot of thought into this. You also may claim that you know someone (maybe yourself) who has lost a whole bunch of weight by changing their lifestyle blah blah blah. There are two basic explanations for this that do not contradict my theorem: Cheating and Luck. First, you can cheat in a number of different ways. Dieting pills, protein shakes, Creatine, gastric bypass surgery, bulimia, anorexia, crack, cocaine, crack cocaine, tapeworms, gene transfusions, and photoshop are all blatant ways to cheat the system. No one likes a cheater and cheating is the cause of the majority of "successful" health stories. For those who do not cheat, I would attribute their success to luck. If you don't believe in luck, talk to Geisman.

I am proud to say that Columbus is the 18th fattest city in America (dropping a few notches from previous years), but this is not because of our fast food restaurants and sedentary lifestyles like most people think. Rather, it is the intense in-breeding that goes on in the great state schools of Ohio. It is this practice that keeps the fat genes local, which in turn keeps the city so fat year after year.

This brings me to my next topic of discussion: what to do to be healthy since trying to be healthy is useless. I would suggest a gene transfusion to get better genes, but this is cheating so I will in no way support it. Thus, there are no remaining options, so you're beat. However, you can absolutely do wonderful things for your offspring, so I can't stress enough how important it is to breed well. Breed only with fit people and you will be guaranteed to have fit, healthy children. The alternative just perpetuates the cycle of unhealthiness, leaving your children to fend off the mean, nasty kids that make fun of the fat kid. This is unfair to them and should be avoided at all costs.

Note: There are some exceptions to this theorem. For example, there are specific ways to make yourself completely unhealthy regardless of your genetic make-up, in particular smoking. Smoking is the easiest and quickest way toward bad health, and is essentially a form of cheating as I have mentioned before.

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I would like to wish safe travels for all those leaving for summer Study Abroad around this time. I would also like to request that those who are going abroad to begin blogging their experiences as apparently many people do. We all want to hear about those crazy foreigners and why the U.S. of A. is the best. Furthermore, any support to Theorem 9 would be greatly appreciated. I promise to link to your blog and therefore make it famous. Blogging by posting photos is completely acceptable as well.

In fact, I would like to pose a challenge to a few of those studying abroad. If you read this, you must accept my challenge, complete my challenge, and therefore make me happy. These challenges will not be easy.

Miss Italian Conquistador/Metoxen- Rent/Buy/Steal a scooter and drive it through a run-down temple or Roman building (the Coliseum counts) wearing some sort of European purse.

Bobby- Get a picture with Yao Ming while mimicking an asian person (i.e. two-finger peace signs)

Lauren- Spend an entire day with some British Hooligans on the day of the England World Cup match against the United States (a la Eurotrip), all the while wearing all Red, White, and Blue.

Steier- Since I know nothing about Albania and the first image result for your country of exploration was a picture of Ms. Albania, I would like you to get a picture with her. She must be in a bikini or in any outfit of equal or greater scandalousness (scandalativity).

Jake- You have possibly the easiest challenge of all. I would like you to begin the tradition of the Running of the Long-Haired Mountain Goats. For those of you who don't know, the Long-Haired Mountain Goat is indigenous to Spain. I would like you to gather at least 25 people and run through the streets of Spain while being chased by said Long-Haired Mountain Goats. There must be at least 5 goats in pursuit. Please film this from multiple angles and upload it to YouTube.

I can't remember anyone else who is going abroad this summer, but if I think of some, I will give that person a challenge.