Nurses

In my first post-surgery post (see what I did there?) I will have to disappoint. I have no pictures of face all swollen up, nor any videos reminiscent of David After Dentist, nor any "texts from Tuesday morning around 10 a.m." Trust me, I am just as disappointed as the next guy, but nonetheless I don't log-in to T.O.L. empty-handed.

Those who of you who were lucky enough to receive texts or wall posts from me over the last few days know that I am not one to complain about things like this; complaining gets you no where and is wasted energy. Rather, I look for the silver lining and try to learn from whatever situation I'm in. (Since I understand that sarcasm sometimes gets lost in the blogging process, I will make it clear that this is a complete joke.) Regardless, I did learn two very important things that I will now share:

Lesson 1: Never have jaw surgery
Call me pessimistic, but having jaw surgery is no fun and there is no way this can be worth it. I still look like a chipmunk, but as far as I can tell, I look pretty much the same as I did before the operation. My teeth might be touching now, which is a good thing, but that does no one any good when you can't use your teeth. Honestly I could drink my smoothies a whole lot better if they would have just amputated my jaw.

Lesson 2: Marry a nurse
There are three main reasons I landed on this conclusion. First, nurses provide no shortage of sympathy. I could have had nothing more than a bruised toe and I guarantee I would have been treated just the same. I found out that their profession requires them to preface every statement or question with "aww" or "poor baby" (i.e. "Aww, does your face hurt?" "Poor baby, do you want something to drink?" "Aww, you don't have to cry, it's just ice" or "Aww, no, no one has ever died from mouthwash" etc.). This has to be a good thing: I'm sure it makes for a very compassionate relationship and keeps tensions low. Just imagine, no matter how little you do in your marriage, you will be greeted with sympathy -- "Aww, poor baby, you've been watching sports all day and must be exhausted, would you like dinner?"

Second, they are always looking to do things for you. This goes hand-in-hand with the sympathy factor, but is slightly different. For example, you don't even have to ask for a nurse to get you a drink of water, they will bring it to you as a surprise and you can choose whether or not you want to consume it. They get pleasure out of helping you in any way possible, hence they get pleasure out of being your servant. Conveniently enough, I get pleasure out of having a servant, so it's a win-win.

Third, the majority of nurses are attractive. Fact: four out of five of my nurses were attractive, and the one that was not attractive was like 40, so her data is inconclusive anyway. Regardless, if you extrapolate that, you have the statistic that 80% of nurses are attractive. This means that even if you are forced to choose a nurse at random, the odds are greatly in your favor. I didn't believe it at first, but you can't argue the facts and there is no doubt that four of my nurses were definitively attractive. Furthermore, three out of the four were hott, but this is obviously very subjective so it can therefore not be used to draw scientific conclusions.

Thus, if at all possible, you should marry a nurse, assuming you are a male. If you are female, do not marry a male nurse. Marry a surgeon, they are wealthy.

Spitting between teeth

My mom recently told me that it was disgusting that I spit between my teeth. This was not the first time she's told me this nor is she the only person that has said it. Therefore, I feel it is time to correct these people's misconceptions once and for all.

Theorem 11: Spitting between one's teeth is not disgusting

In fact, it is not really spitting at all. This is technical stuff that many people don't understand, so I will attempt to explain it. When you spit between your teeth, it has to be liquidy and not saliva-y like spit. So you are essentially just sending water between your teeth, which can't possibly be disgusting.

On the other hand, when you spit actual saliva (that you can see on the ground) or mucus, you are ejecting something that was in your body. Thus, this can theoretically be considered disgusting. I personally think it is one of the most natural things a person can do, so it is not disgusting, but everyone has a right to their own opinion.

There are, however, ways for spitting to be disgusting:

1) When you spit on concrete or hard surface and the spit is visible. This is quite disgusting but there are ways to avoid it, such as spitting on grass instead. If you miss the grass (this happens, no one's aim is perfect), you should cover it up with your shoe and rub it away. If you have bare feet you should say something like, "Ah, yummy!" There is nothing better than some good sarcasm to break the tension of a stressful moment of taboo. And then if people really are disgusted, you should sincerely apologize.

2) When you clear your throat (slang term: "hawking/hocking a loogie"). According to some reliable sources, girls never do this. I honestly don't see how this is possible, but good for them. You should always do this when there is no one within earshot. If, however, you screw up, a sarcastic "ah, yummy!" should do the trick.

3) When you try to spit between your teeth but your spit is too thick and saliva-y and it rolls down your chin. This really is just hilarious, and if you make the mistake of doing this then you should definitely practice more before you try again in public.

While I'm on the topic, I'd like to put in a plug for spitting between one's teeth. It is a great thing to do while you are bored or when you are walking somewhere alone and have no one to talk to. It is a mindless habit like spinning your pen or, I don't know, clicking your tongue. It is also a skill that many people are jealous of. Not everyone can do it and so those who can't do it claim those who can are disgusting. Many people think baseball players spit between their teeth because they think it makes them cool, and this is true. There is no doubt that people who spit between their teeth are cooler than those who spit regularly, or not at all. Spitting between one's teeth makes a cool sound as well. Some women have even described this sound as "seductive" (seriously). All you have to do is have something in your mouth like a jolly rancher or almost any hard candy, and you can produce a continuous supply of water in your mouth. From here you just have to practice. You will get the hang of it in no time.

Some Great Videos

The purpose of this post is none other than to share some of my recent favorite videos and hopefully increase my Google rating. I know there is nothing worse than having your time wasted by clicking on a link to a lame YouTube video, so I will do my best to encourage the right people to click on the right link.

I have had huge amounts of time on my hands lately, and since the season finale of The Office came and went, I have started watching some new shows. Unfortunately, I tried Glee. At first the ridiculousness of the show was amusing, but the amusement quickly wore off and I became aware of the fact that I was actually watching a TV show about Glee Club, the most ridiculed club on every college campus. It's like a musical Friday Night Lights minus the football and plus the gleefulness. Anyway, I understand I should be ashamed, and believe you me, I am. However, I also started watching Tosh.0, and this was much more successful. If you haven't seen the show, it is hilarious. I was pretty giddy to begin with, so that is probably why I laughed so hard I cramped up when I watched this clip, but I'm sure everyone can find humor in it. This is funny, so if you click on only one link, make it this one.

If you enjoy watching basketball, watch this compilation of some of the most ridiculous traveling non-calls. If you do not like basketball that much, do NOT watch this because you will probably find nothing interesting about it. Actually it has a pretty cool song.

Speaking of cool songs, here is the Weber grill commercial. It is such a great song, even if it is only 31 seconds long. Unless you already know how great this song is, don't watch this.

I do love great beats, and here is another one. Not a funny video, but a solid video that will make you happy (gleeful) inside. It is the Flash Mob at the Ohio Union on the Ohio State campus (O-H-!!). It was on the front page of YouTube so you might have already seen it, but here it is. Only watch it if you are bored and are looking for something somewhat cool. Oh, and the fact that it is a Glee song is pure coincidence. I in no way, shape, or form support the show.

And that's my random assortment of videos for your enjoyment.

Genetics

I have always been of the belief that we are all helpless as far being in control of our own health. Many people would fight me on this issue, but I'm fully convinced I am right. I believe that genetics play a much bigger role in determining our health than we think.

Theorem 10: At least 99.9% (give or take) of our health is determined by our genes

This is probably a pretty depressing theorem, considering the fact that if you do the math, that leaves only .1% of your health that you actually control. With a little take, you can bump that up to .2%, but with a little give, you're looking at 0%. Regardless, if you apply the P-T Theorem here, all that time you spend exercising and eating health will get you negligible health points (i.e. you work really REALLY hard but you get BARELY any healthier). That is a very bad ratio.

So, I suggest instead of looking at this as a depressing theorem, be happy that your life is so much easier. No one likes wasting energy, and all the unhealthy foods taste better anyway. Now that you know all the time spent running or biking outside or in a gym is still not going to keep you from that heart attack at age 30, you can spend that time indoors being more productive. You have so much more time for activities such as sleeping, watching The Office, or playing Halo. And now that realize the salads and vegetables are clearly not going to lose those pounds for you, you can replace those with Chipotle, french fries, and Blue Moon ice cream.

The moment I realized this fact, my life became so much simpler. I spend so much less time trying to better myself because I know myself cannot be bettered in the health sense. No matter how much I run, I will still not be in any better shape. On the flipside, I feel as though if I continue to do what little I do right now, I will not be in any worse shape. No matter how much I lift, I will not look like Dwight Howard, and no matter how much I play basketball at the Rock, I'm still not going to get drafted (although I'm looking for a little three-way package with me, LeBron, and Calipari... there's been some interest from the Molokai Mumbojumbos).

You may be very skeptical about this whole claim that exercise and healthy eating does virtually nothing for your health, but I have put a lot of thought into this. You also may claim that you know someone (maybe yourself) who has lost a whole bunch of weight by changing their lifestyle blah blah blah. There are two basic explanations for this that do not contradict my theorem: Cheating and Luck. First, you can cheat in a number of different ways. Dieting pills, protein shakes, Creatine, gastric bypass surgery, bulimia, anorexia, crack, cocaine, crack cocaine, tapeworms, gene transfusions, and photoshop are all blatant ways to cheat the system. No one likes a cheater and cheating is the cause of the majority of "successful" health stories. For those who do not cheat, I would attribute their success to luck. If you don't believe in luck, talk to Geisman.

I am proud to say that Columbus is the 18th fattest city in America (dropping a few notches from previous years), but this is not because of our fast food restaurants and sedentary lifestyles like most people think. Rather, it is the intense in-breeding that goes on in the great state schools of Ohio. It is this practice that keeps the fat genes local, which in turn keeps the city so fat year after year.

This brings me to my next topic of discussion: what to do to be healthy since trying to be healthy is useless. I would suggest a gene transfusion to get better genes, but this is cheating so I will in no way support it. Thus, there are no remaining options, so you're beat. However, you can absolutely do wonderful things for your offspring, so I can't stress enough how important it is to breed well. Breed only with fit people and you will be guaranteed to have fit, healthy children. The alternative just perpetuates the cycle of unhealthiness, leaving your children to fend off the mean, nasty kids that make fun of the fat kid. This is unfair to them and should be avoided at all costs.

Note: There are some exceptions to this theorem. For example, there are specific ways to make yourself completely unhealthy regardless of your genetic make-up, in particular smoking. Smoking is the easiest and quickest way toward bad health, and is essentially a form of cheating as I have mentioned before.

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I would like to wish safe travels for all those leaving for summer Study Abroad around this time. I would also like to request that those who are going abroad to begin blogging their experiences as apparently many people do. We all want to hear about those crazy foreigners and why the U.S. of A. is the best. Furthermore, any support to Theorem 9 would be greatly appreciated. I promise to link to your blog and therefore make it famous. Blogging by posting photos is completely acceptable as well.

In fact, I would like to pose a challenge to a few of those studying abroad. If you read this, you must accept my challenge, complete my challenge, and therefore make me happy. These challenges will not be easy.

Miss Italian Conquistador/Metoxen- Rent/Buy/Steal a scooter and drive it through a run-down temple or Roman building (the Coliseum counts) wearing some sort of European purse.

Bobby- Get a picture with Yao Ming while mimicking an asian person (i.e. two-finger peace signs)

Lauren- Spend an entire day with some British Hooligans on the day of the England World Cup match against the United States (a la Eurotrip), all the while wearing all Red, White, and Blue.

Steier- Since I know nothing about Albania and the first image result for your country of exploration was a picture of Ms. Albania, I would like you to get a picture with her. She must be in a bikini or in any outfit of equal or greater scandalousness (scandalativity).

Jake- You have possibly the easiest challenge of all. I would like you to begin the tradition of the Running of the Long-Haired Mountain Goats. For those of you who don't know, the Long-Haired Mountain Goat is indigenous to Spain. I would like you to gather at least 25 people and run through the streets of Spain while being chased by said Long-Haired Mountain Goats. There must be at least 5 goats in pursuit. Please film this from multiple angles and upload it to YouTube.

I can't remember anyone else who is going abroad this summer, but if I think of some, I will give that person a challenge.

JOsh wins!

JOsh, as seen to the right, was able to locate the picture of us all alone in first place in the Finish on the 50 race. Steier is still in his Heisman stride, JOsh is close on his tail, and I am content with a good day's work and ready for my Superman photoshoot. The rest of the field is still on the other side of the stadium barely out of the blocks.

As promised, I will devote an entire post to JOsh. As it is, JOsh has not provided me with a theorem, so I will have to get more creative here. To honor JOsh, I woke up on JOsh-time, 7:30 a.m., earlier than I ever plan to wake up for the rest of this summer. I am eating breakfast (like JOsh) and writing this post while listening to JOsh-beats (Dave Matthews Band, Red Hot Chili Peppers, MC Hammer). I will soon play Risk and Cribbage online and follow that by playing sand volleyball outside. I will put on my Arizona State hat and play Super Smash Bros. or some old-school video game. Finally, I will end this day by going to bed at 9:30 p.m.

I will now set the record for the earliest post on a Saturday: 9:19 a.m. I will follow that by going back to bed.

LATER!

BronBron

Fellow citizens, last night our Nation was hit by an unthinkable, unexpected catastrophe. LeBron James, and his fellow Cavalier players, were eliminated from the NBA playoffs by the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, a far cry from fulfilling their destiny to become NBA Champions. After losing three in the row to the Celtics, we are left with an emptiness in our souls, apprehensive for the looming end to the King's contract in Cleveland.

We have all been witnesses to the King's power, his dominance, and his potential for greatness. However, last night, he and the rest of his team were kept off their game by the pesky Celtics. Doc Rivers (I feel like he's killed a man before, but I can't be sure. His name is Doc after all.) put together an effective game-plan for his team, one that neutralized the Cavs penetration and reduced their offense to Notre Dame's "burn" (which is much less effective with a 24 second shot clock). And Rajon Rondo, who hails from Septimus Prime, a planet in an adjacent galaxy, was too quick and elusive for any of the Cavs guards. And finally in the elimination game, the Cavs could not stop Kevin Garnett and his multiple personalities (most of which are totally insane) from nailing mid-range jumpers.

This event is devastating for all of us. Our lives will never be the same. But we have been through this before: 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina come to mind. We must come together as a Sports Nation and get through these tough times. I declare today as a day of friendship and a day of love. Tell your Momma or anyone you love that you love them, because you might never get a chance again. You never know when a catastrophe like the one that hit the King will hit you. Today just reminds us of what is important in life and the things that we are thankful for.

Our first priority must be to help the ones that were hit the hardest. If you see someone that is down in the dumps or someone talking about how it would just be better if it were all over, consol them. Tell them that the King will be back on top one way or another for one team or another. He is going no where and he is working hard in the offseason to be the BronBron we know and love. Depression is a serious illness but there is help. Our priority as a Sports Nation is to get that help to those that were afflicted the worst.

Never give up. Never surrender. We will get through this, Nation, and BronBron will be back with his Company, whether in Cleveland, New York, Chicago, or, as I'm really hoping for, a new franchise in Hawai'i (Molokai??). We'll call them them the Molokai Mumbojumbos.

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A special thanks to DaisyChain1620: I still haven't listened to all the USBeats you left me (and I found randomly). I love the emphasis on Avril...

Stereotypes

Happy May 12th everyone! It's been a few days since the last post, but to my defense I've had a number of The Office episodes to re-watch and I've been bogged down with all the sleep I have to catch up on. I've also been in serious depression since last night's debacle that was Game 5. Regardless, the King is still the best athlete in the world and should be praised as so. Without further ado, I present you the Ninth theorem, inspired by Stephanie a.k.a. "Miss Italian Conquistador" herself.

Theorem 9: All geographical stereotypes are true

I would first like to request that everyone refer to Stephanie as her official Jersey Shore nickname from now on. A lot of thought went into that nickname and I would hate to see it go to waste. It's either this or one of the back-up options, "The Defibrilator," "Stephanopolous," or "Spanky McGee," but none of these really roll off the tongue.

Anyway, Miss Italian Conquistador recently texted me saying quote, "I have come to the conclusion that people in Ohio are exceedingly nice. As in talk to you while you are in the bathroom nice. And Ohio has the best rest-stops." I have lived almost my entire life around Ohioans so I essentially assumed Ohioans were the norm and everyone else is to be based off that standard. However, this is definitely not the first time I've heard this sentiment so I've come to the conclusion that it is true. Ohioans are nice, and that is a fact. It pains me to admit that I am using Geisman's theory that "concensus of opinion determines fact" here, but in this case it is applicable. Similarly, it is true that Ohioans drive like grandmas, and it is for this reason that I drive so slowly. I thought it was normal and expected to adhere to the law, but apparently not...

The direct flow of logic leads me to conclude that all geographical stereotypes are true. This pleases me greatly, as I already act as though stereotypes are true. Stereotypes allow me to group people together, jump to conclusions about their character, and treat them accordingly. It just makes the process of meeting people much more efficient. For example, if I meet a man from Kentucky, I can always ask him what it's like to have your aunt as a wife. Or if I meet a man from Utah, I can always ask him which wife he likes the best. Or if you see a person from California, you know that he/she just lit up and is currently high as a kite.

This is definitely one of the most useful theorems so far, and without a doubt applicable in daily life. With this theorem, you can prepare for an interview not by researching about the interviewer, but merely knowing where he/she is from. First dates are so much simpler now as you can learn about interests, personality, and political views of the person all by knowing his/her hometown. Everyone loves a good discussion of stereotypes on a first date.

Geographical stereotypes reach beyond the borders of the U.S. of A. Possibly the most telling feature of a person is their nationality. Be careful, however, as negative stereotypes for nationalities are often far less true than the positive stereotypes. For example, it is absolutely not true that all Middle Easterners are terrorists. Blantantly false. Also, not all Russians are communists. I have a very good Russian friend that is far from Communist. However, if you meet an Asian man, he is smarter than you and his name is probably Mr. Lee, and if you meet a Swedish woman, she is guaranteed to be hot. These national stereotypes are usually well-known so I don't need to list them all but sometimes it takes some research to learn all about a nationality. For example, did you know that all Jamaican women are 6 and a half feet tall? I did not.

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I am pleased to announce that a Google search for "Theorems of Life blog" places my blog second or third on the search results (for the computers I have checked). This is a great success and can possibly be attributed to the backlinks by Abadith and JOsh and anyone else who has linked to this blog anywhere on the Web. I am also pleased to announce that I have received hits from seemingly random people not affiliated with Notre Dame, some even from the state of Oklahoma. I assume, however, that Metoxen just told his great-grandfather (Chief Leaping Antelope) about my blog and he decided to check it out (...see what I did there?).

I was going to provide a link here, but as I was thinking about what link I wanted to provide, I remembered that I never looked to see if they posted a picture in the Observer for the Finish on the 50 event. Specifically, I was expecting to see a picture of me, JOsh, and/or Steier leading the pack for the first 0.05 K (of the total 5K). And just so you know, that's 0.05 K more than you were in first place, so suck it. I spent about half an hour trying to find the picture but was unsuccessful in this endeavor. I now feel that if I were to post a link that is not directed toward a .JPG featuring our collective athletic prowess, it would be a let-down. So, I will not post a link to anything and leave the challenge of finding this picture (which is assuredly out there somewhere) to you. The picture will look something like the one above. The prize will be a Theorem devoted entirely to you. Go!

A Year of Halo

A Yearish of Halo in Review

Last night was a very sad night for all of us, as we fired up the box for the last time in our sophomore year. It was a great night however, playing a best-of-7 with the original four until past 4 a.m. This made me reminisce on the great memories I have with the game, and some of the great moments (and not-so-great moments) of male bonding in the section. So, as a tribute to Master Chief, I will recap the evolution of this game to the best of my ability. If you in any way have been touched by the game of Halo, please read, as this should bring a tear to your eye. This is a long post, but it is worth it. This game is dear to my heart and this is the least I can do to give it justice. If you are not a part of the Halo lifestyle (i.e. if you are a female) you will understand very little of this post. I apologize for this, but I will post a theorem for all audiences tomorrow.

To get the full effect, play this song in the background while you read.

The Beginning
The true beginning, in my mind, was the nightly circuits. This is where the competitiveness, trash-talking, and late-night gaming originated. Eventually, however, this died out, as I recall because of Pat’s reluctance to return promptly to Duncan at 12:05. Halo was next in line, and it started slowly and the facts are muddled, but I believe the first players were me, Quinn, Tom, and Geisman. Regardless, more people joined and soon we had the makings of a new lifestyle.

The Conspiracy
Remarkably, not everyone was happy about the increasing prevalence of Halo-playing. A total of three Halo discs went missing or were tampered with. The detective work never brought any definitive answers, but there are still highly-suspected persons whose consciences will eventually bring them to admit their sin to the Halo world. Nevertheless, Halo fought through and went on. Discs were protected by lock and key and Master Chief was never taken for granted after that.

The Renaissance
Entering the summer of freshman year, we were left with an emptiness in our souls (the part of the soul that love Halo of course). The only way to fill this emptiness was to watch Halo Top 10 videos on YouTube. I did it and so did you, you just won’t admit it. However, we came back to school as sophomores and started off right where we left off. As early as Frosh-O weekend when we were supposed to be helping people move in, we had the box fired up. This set the tone for the year and we never looked back.

The Serieses
The four players that demonstrated pure devotion to the game started a competition known as nightly serieses. The two teams were Team Homo featuring Prof Smoovkok and Da Shredda and Team Minx featuring Fitzy and Crazy Horse. Team Homo could not be stopped. As soon as game scores started begin recorded, Team Homo won the seasons I, II, and III.

Fitzy Retirement (a.k.a. The Great Depression)
Around the end of last semester, Fitzy retired from the game of Halo. Reasons were unclear, but the retirement hurt us all. We were all left with another emptiness in our souls as we had only three devoted players. Metoxen also made himself scarce at times, spending a greater deal of time in the McG. This is when we first saw what would come to known as the Invisibility Cloak. It was a dark time for many reasons, and we looked for a solution. We began searching for replacements. Boonie was top on the list, but his reluctance to play every night post-parietals ultimately eliminated him. Bobby and Josh were both schooled in the art of serieses but were never fully incorporated into the system. Soon, however, things went back to normal…

Post-Retirement
Fitzy eventually came back and the farming continued. Season IV (Favre with the Jets) as well as Season V (Favre with the Vikings) both went to Team Homo. Team Minx was left in a hopeless situation that was clearly not going to rectify itself.

New Teams
Crazy Horse had enough of Fitzy and Fitzy had enough of the Horse. It was a messy divorce, but it had to happen. Crazy Horse joined forces with Prof Smoovkok and Da Shredda teamed up with Fitzy. Nevertheless, Horse and Smoovy took Season VI, despite the so-called “leash forfeit” (complete bogus, you all should be ashamed for using the term leash). Tides turned, however, and Da Shredda and Fitzy took Season VII handily. This marked the end of the serieses and we moved on to bigger and better things.

Spring Semester
As we moved into 322 Duncan Hall, we discovered the true use of the Ethernet cable. Halo became “sticks” and serieses became “linking.” 2v2 became 3v3 and 4v4. There was resistance at first, especially from Prof Smoovkok, but eventually we all came around and accepted what it had to offer. Now all could join in the killing, and this is when we all truly became united as a section. Sticks continued to be played at 12:05, but teams were fluid. This continued through the end of the semester and it brings us to where we are today.

Highlights of Halo

The night Father Tom decided to join us
This was the night we truly realized how oblivious we all are to the rest of the world when playing Halo, as Father Tom decided to watch our game for a solid five minutes (from what I’m told, might be an exaggeration). Unaware of this, we continued call each other gay and use words that a priest would not normally approve of. FT made his disapproval known by telling us to not use the word “gay,” to which Steier brightly responds, “No! that’s f&#%ing GAY!” Father Tom had no rebuttle.

The Fire Alarm
Our obliviousness was again highlighted in this incident where the fire alarm was going off for five minutes before we realized it. Our only response to an angry FT: We thought the siren was part of our beats. Totally legit excuse.

DuckFeet
DuckFeet came in to tell us to be quiet many times, but none was better than when he told Brett to be quiet. If you don’t know, no one tells Brett to do anything. It’s Lieutenant Colonel Captain Major General Third Degree Unit 522 Naval Officer Ground Force Delta Bravo Brett Leahy we are talking about, he tells you what to do. Or he just responds with “Yeah yeah whatever! Just shut the door!!” I wasn’t personally there but I hear it was a good time.

Brett’s Real-Life Whap
I also wasn’t there, but I hear Brett was getting so frustrated that he started hitting Fitzy? Maybe not… I just remember intense anger.


The Contributors

The Regulars
Prof Smoovkok- (“Prof”, “Smoovy”, “Smoovs”) A regular in the game of Halo, Prof has been farming for well over a year. His favorite weapons include the shotgun, the mauler, and of course invisibility. Can handle himself with a BR, but his real weapons of choice are short distance. Fitzy claims his play is gay, but it is not. Prof is simply better than Fitzy. I said it.
The Prof loves to beat it while playing Halo, especially the Blink playlist. His favorite insults are the basic sarcastic remarks as well as the giddy laugh at others’ poor play. He will often criticize as well as praise his own play, often referring to himself in the third person. His halo jersey is well-known and craved by all the Halo fans. He promises to sell it on eBay following his retirement and give the money to charity.

Fitzy- Also a regular, Fitzy loves the stickies. His play is, however, very gay, although he will not admit it. His reluctance to use a gun has been his downfall over the years and his career win-loss record shows it.
Fitzy likes to beat it as well most of the time, but has much greater variety to his beats. He is a stickler for the screens not being crossed, but this does not affect anyone else so most of the time no one listens. His favorite insults include, “Smoovkok YOU’RE SO GAY” and simply any remark questioning the sexuality of the Prof. Fitzy loves to crouch and get overshield when applicable.

Da Shredda- (“Shredda”, “Shreds”, “Insta Blaze”) Shredda picked up the game quickly, and has proven him to be one of the elite. His love for the AR combined with his elusiveness and unmitigated (don’t know what that word means) aggressiveness has won him many serieses. Shredda’s favorite insults are those that question the intelligence and obliviousness of his opponents (i.e. “You’re so dumb” and “You’re so oblivious”).

Crazy Horse- (“Horse”)- Crazy Horse has also been extremely devoted to the game. He loves the snippity but he’s remarkably bad. This badness has been his downfall. If he weren’t so bad, he might win more games and get more kills. As it is though, he is just bad.
Horse loves the simple, to-the-point “you’re bad” insult, but to be honest, he takes way more insults than he dishes out. 90% of all negative remarks are directed toward Crazy Horse, but he has yet to show any regard for what is said about him. But to be fair, his nades are nothing but luck, and it often seems like he’s fighting with his bow and arrow rather than Halo weapons. Thus, he really is bad. But we still love him and continue to play with him when his invisibility cloak is off.

The Semi-Regulars
Heisman N@g- (“Heisman”)- Keeping T.O.L family-friendly, we will use the @ symbol. Heisman is not bad at halo, in fact his is quite good. Heisman wins the award for the cockiest player as well as the most flexible. Heisman is the founder of the phrase “farming,” but his trash-talking takes on many different forms. He will question your sexuality, tell you that you are bad, laugh at you, or just yell at you. His season took a downward turn when around the end of the year when the game started screwing him with spawns. The game has been screwing him so much that it’s almost not worth it for him to play, because he never gets a good spawn. It is amazing how much the game picks just him to screw. Heisman has created quite a rivalry with the Jan, as both think they are better than the other.

Jan- the Jan thinks he is better than Heisman, but I will not get into that. Jan coined the phrase “sticks.” His favorite forms are trash talk are to yell at you, often simply “LATER.” I was instructed to write something about how he used to be good but isn’t playing well, or hasn’t practiced, or is usually better than Heisman, or Heisman isn’t as good as he thinks, or something. Instead I will just say the Jan is a solid player that can compete with the best, but isn’t quite there yet. His insecurity was highlighted, however, when he refused to allow his video to be posted to the blog, claiming it was embarrassing. Jan: I just wrote four pages of a Word document on Halo, no shame here.

Rack Em Willie- Fills in when necessary, but not a big fan of the game itself.

Leeroy Jenkins- Also fills in when necessary and beginning to be a good substitute for the bad players. Loves the sword, but will settle with the shotgun. Leeroy is a smart player that really understands the game, but his not been able to practice his skills as much as the rest.

The Others

Takk- Something like 3rd best in Indiana, but he does not live in Duncan any more. So sad.

Attorney- Probably a Semi-Regular, Attorney is not good. He nonetheless manages to get kills and avoid death. I have not determined how he does it, but he is not good. His favorite forms of trash-talk are physically violent acts. He often gets mad at being killed and decides to punch the person who killed him (in the Halo world). I often feel this hurts the sanctity of the game, but I hold my tongue because we need his T.V. to link up.

Nothing To Do

I have nothing to do and I can't blast my favorite beats because people around me are studying and writing papers. If I could, I would play Kesha's Your Love is My Drug of course. I had to beg for this laptop so I have to actually use it, so I will make a post on this blog. As I type this sentence I have nothing worthwhile to write, but I'm hoping to feel my way through it as I go. I'm not sure I'm even thinking about anything right now to be honest, so I can't just write about what I'm thinking. I don't have any theorems today, but I do have a few propositions.

Proposition 1: People study too much

This is probably extremely biased based on the fact that I have nothing to do and I want other people to do also have nothing to do. Then we can all come together and play sticks.

Proposition 2: People are taking too hard of classes

This follows directly from proposition 1. If you study a lot, you need to take easier classes. My advice: if you are double majoring, make your secondary major Computer Applications instead. The title is a misnomer: you need not know anything about computers, let alone how to apply them. It should be entitled a secondary major in Varsity Athletics Curriculum. And yes, that means that you may have a class with T. Knight! What more can you ask for? ... what? an athlete that has logged actual minutes in a real game? Yeah, I guess you can ask for that, in which case you will also get what you ask for: Armando Allen and Carleton Scott are both Computer Applications majors. And if you only have one major, sac up. And then immediately following that, change your major to Math. That is also a misnomer: You don't really do math, it's more of highly complex sudokus with numbers.

Proposition 3: Avril Lavigne is a great musical artist
Somewhere along her delinquent life this woman got a bad rap, but we must all give her a second chance. She has a wonderful voice and can play the guitar like a minx. Her songs speak of deep thoughts like Sk8er Bois and such. She is a very Complicated, but I feel like she is Losing Grip of herself. Nonetheless, I want to make her my Girlfriend. She is agile, hostile, Mobile, etc. and, although she may seem "weird" or a "loser," she is. But she is also, in a better light, unique, special, and dare I say Anything But Ordinary.

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In an ongoing effort to boost my Google rating, I will continue to link to the most wonderful site: YouTube.

Very cool flash mob -- O-H-
Along the same lines -- Improv Everywher

Free Will

Ever wondered why you sporcle when you "should" be studying or why you are on Facebook while you "should" be writing your paper or why you are playing Halo while you "should" be sleeping? Here is the answer, according to Tara...

Theorem 8: The Free Will Theorem

I saved this theorem specifically for Finals Week since I figured it would be most appropriate now. I will do my best to regurgitate Tara's brilliance, but as with any guest theoremizer, I will probably not be able to do the theorem justice, so talk directly to the source if you have any questions.

Essentially, to determine whether or not you will actually do an action, you must take into account two criteria: whether or not you want to do the action and whether or not you should do the action. Both criteria are ranked/rated on a [-10, 10] interval (that is, if you want to do an action really really badly, that action will have a 9.99 on the "desire" scale, but if you really really should not do the action, it would have a -9.99 on the "should" scale). You will add the two numbers together and if the sum is positive, you will do the action, if it is negative, you will not do the action. If it is zero, God will decide.

So the way I understand this, it is a theorem that determines the power of your free will. The more you want to do something, the more likely you are to actually do that action. It also predicts the future. If there is something you know you really want to do, but you feel you probably shouldn't, you can determine whether or not you will do it and thus plan accordingly. You cannot control your desires and the numbers don't lie, so knowing what you are inevitably going to do is crucial.

The simplicity of this theorem worried me at first. It seems as though there would have to be other factors that would determine whether or not you do something. But then I realized most of these fall into whether or not you "should" do an action. If your parents tell you to do something, you "should" listen to them. If you want to live, you "should" eat food, etc.

And I also realized how much this explains my actions on a daily basis. For example, while working on a paper or studying for a test, Steier will ask me if I want to play Halo. I will say "Nah I gots to do this." And then I will realize I didn't answer his question and that I do, in fact, really want to play Halo. I obviously should not play Halo, but I always do. This leads me to wonder, why do I always play Halo whenever someone asks me to? This theorem explains it: because my "desire" rating for playing Halo is a constant 10, so the only way for me to not play Halo is if my "should" rating is a -10, leaving the decision up to God. However, the "should" rating will never be -10, becuase I have to take into account my loyalty to my friends. I have a responsibility to play Halo whenever they want to play, and to say no to them would make me a bad friend. I "should" not be selfish; selfish people put their schoolwork before others' need for Halo, and I just can't live with that burden.

Knowing the future, I can plan accordingly. I know that around 12:05 Metoxen will take off the invisibility cloak and will be calling for sticks, and I know I will be playing. Therefore, I need to block out the time from 12:05 until 2:30 for the farming, and then from 2:30 until 3:00 for trashtalking and reminiscing on said farming. (Farming (vb.): To kill mass quantities of people with ease and enjoyment without being killed yourself. Synonyms: You're Bad, Spree Me). There is no way to avoid the inevitable and I must accept that.

Sometimes, however, the sum is too close to zero to determine with certainty whether or not you will do an action. This creates for excitement in life. For example, I really REALLY don't want to study for my philosophy test, but I obviously definitely should. I cannot say for certain whether or not I actually will, so come Tuesday afternoon, I will either be somewhat prepared or not at all. The excitement that I may actually free-ball a final is titulating (love that word, but I don't know what it means. You can probably guess why I love it).

So, in conclusion, if you ever want to know why you are doing what you are currently doing, or whether or not you will do an action, just add up these two important numbers from -10 to 10. This simple 1-d model of life explains everything.

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In an effort to boost my Google rating, I will now link to other somewhat popular sites (YouTube). For those who don't know, Google has a complex algorithm that determines what order on its search engine your site will appear, and I think this site might be a bit low. However, if you Google theoremsoflife (all one word) you will find it. So I should be getting a lot of hits from all those computers missing a space bar...

One of my personal favorites: if you are in a giddy mood, watch this. If you are not giddy or cannot let yourself laugh at a mentally handicapped person, do not watch this. O-Mazing Grace

And of course, for personal pride I will try to boost hits of me curling...