Patty on TP's Tats

I love having guest theorems and today we get to feature one of the most unlikely candidates: my mom. That's right, the tree doesn't wander too far from the fallen apple.

Theorem 28: We are paying for Terrelle Pryor's tats

Now that it is explained to me, it seems so obvious. Terrelle Pryor and his gang of highly-talented football thugs were found to be in violation of NCAA rules when they received tattoos in exchange for signed memorabilia (and other stuff). The power-tripping NCAA punishes them with suspensions. Tressel gets dragged in, Gordon Gee freaks out, fires the coach, and we are left with a 6-6 season.

Here's where it gets interesting: The NCAA took a 9-month vacation to Cancun or something, so it took a year to decide on their punishment, after which most of the perpetrators had moved on. Thus, the punishment hurt the school rather than the violators. Where do you hurt the university the most? Its checkbook. So you take away a bowl game (um... you wanna just take away our Gator Bowl and call it square?). But Ohio State always goes to a bowl game, so they have already accounted for that assumed income. So where do you make up for lost income? Raising tuition. That's right, the Vet students are getting screwed because Pryor didn't to pay for his own tattoos.

The logic is flawless and I couldn't be more proud of my mom for philosophizing to such a great conclusion. As I have alluded to before, I blame this on Ohio State's reputable Fisher College of Business (they've got my vote over Mendoza). Clearly these athletic students have a full grasp on how the free market operates.

What really bothers me is all this dislike for Ohio State. The way I interpret this poll is that the state of Ohio remains the most rational of voters, and the upper Northeast a kind ally. The rest of the country needs to chill. Let's all forgive Tressel because I love me some sweater vests. Also, screw you Alaska.

Thanks again to my mother for a wonderful theorem. I hope I did it justice and I encourage any and all guest theorems.