Patty on TP's Tats

I love having guest theorems and today we get to feature one of the most unlikely candidates: my mom. That's right, the tree doesn't wander too far from the fallen apple.

Theorem 28: We are paying for Terrelle Pryor's tats

Now that it is explained to me, it seems so obvious. Terrelle Pryor and his gang of highly-talented football thugs were found to be in violation of NCAA rules when they received tattoos in exchange for signed memorabilia (and other stuff). The power-tripping NCAA punishes them with suspensions. Tressel gets dragged in, Gordon Gee freaks out, fires the coach, and we are left with a 6-6 season.

Here's where it gets interesting: The NCAA took a 9-month vacation to Cancun or something, so it took a year to decide on their punishment, after which most of the perpetrators had moved on. Thus, the punishment hurt the school rather than the violators. Where do you hurt the university the most? Its checkbook. So you take away a bowl game (um... you wanna just take away our Gator Bowl and call it square?). But Ohio State always goes to a bowl game, so they have already accounted for that assumed income. So where do you make up for lost income? Raising tuition. That's right, the Vet students are getting screwed because Pryor didn't to pay for his own tattoos.

The logic is flawless and I couldn't be more proud of my mom for philosophizing to such a great conclusion. As I have alluded to before, I blame this on Ohio State's reputable Fisher College of Business (they've got my vote over Mendoza). Clearly these athletic students have a full grasp on how the free market operates.

What really bothers me is all this dislike for Ohio State. The way I interpret this poll is that the state of Ohio remains the most rational of voters, and the upper Northeast a kind ally. The rest of the country needs to chill. Let's all forgive Tressel because I love me some sweater vests. Also, screw you Alaska.

Thanks again to my mother for a wonderful theorem. I hope I did it justice and I encourage any and all guest theorems.

Notre Dame Sports

Forgive me Followers for I have been lazy. It has been... too long since my last theorem. I accuse myself of the following sins.

1) Making people falsely hopeful for a new theorem when clearly it was unlikely I was going to write anything. In my defense though, I have been very busy and the CAPP curriculum slows down for no man. Regardless, I did and do feel guilt for having a 5-month(ish) hiatus (nice Words with Friends word there).

2) For being done with finals on Monday so that I can spend the time to write this. It is times like these that I wish I could walk over to McGlinn Library and remind people that if you sleep more than 3 hours and drink less than six cups of drugs from Starbucks, you will Notre-Dame-fail each and every one of your finals. And no medical school will ever accept a Notre-Dame-failure. Alas, all I can do is text people and invite them to bars.

3) For not having anything good to write about. I have definitely been philosophizing this entire semester, don't you worry, but nothing yet has proven itself worthy enough for me to spend time and type about. But let's be serious, nothing that I type about is really worthy enough for me to type about... I just do it anyway.

At this point I feel like I should reminisce on this semester that was, so I will. You know, how things are different, how things are the same, and how things are kinda the same but different (and how things are kinda different but mostly the same). Halo is not the same... I farm when I can, but usually it's only on Fridays. Prof Smoovkok is retired, the name seems so juvenile now that I am semester away from the real world. The new name: ahhhhhhhhhhTITS. It's good to see I have matured in these four years. Oh, and the new company... Towers Watson. It goes by no other name.

But the people, it's all about the people, right? The people remain the same, through thick and thin, through blood, sweat, and tears. Well, yes and no. Yes, but kinda no (no but kinda yes). The Texans still love Texas, the Jersey-girls still love strange fashion, fur vests, tanning, and gossip, and the Chicago girl still loves... Bama. The Natives are still terrible at all forms of video and drinking games (but great at arts and crafts...nice kegerator), the 'Sker country still thinks its football program is better than Ohio State, and the Boones still love their libraries on Thursday nights. The Sconnies still run a damn good Fantasy League and, of course, the Beantowners and the Gateways to the Midwest consistently and repeatedly get screwed by said Fantasy League (sidenote: I'd like to congratulate the Tats on a great effort this year. Injuries and overwhelming underperformance (does that make sense? Over/under?) are tough to overcome, and the Tats sure didn't. They undercame, if you will). Moving on: homelessness is being embraced in full force by the English majors, but we encourage that over the other option of coupling up for marriage. Our fun quotient has been hit all too hard by that... amiright? the MLFs have been MIA (where are youuuuuu) but yet still a follower, and for that I am forever grateful. The Saints fans are so much fun to text on Sundays...Who Dat? and the Computer Scientists will soon get rid of all Microsoft products that use body tracking as a game system (Kinect and such) because they are stupid, and replace them with new maps for Halo 3, or something. No, Computer Scientist does not mean you, Dobby; do you even read this? probably not. Just keep laying adoze by your computer while you take a break from coding... I know you can't focus anyway knowing The Other Half is meer dayz from returning from the secund-best Toledo in da werld. The Civils still get CRAZY on the weekends (on this inside), and the Medievals stay up CRAZY late, always (wow, we are wayyy down the list on shoutouts, I think I should wrap this up). The point is, "change is inevitable - except from a vending machine. - Robert C. Gallagher" - Chris Michalski.

That was loads of fun by the way.

As penance, I present a theorem:

Theorem 27: Notre Dame Sports will never be good

This may not be an entertaining or riveting concept to anyone, but it's something I've learned over the past three and a half years of watching them. You see, the problem is that Notre Dame is all over the radar. You can't sneak up on teams if you are on the radar, that's a fact. You also can't break rules nearly as easily. Now I'm not for cheating, ever. It's a basic principle that if you cheat you are a terrible person and should confess ('tis the season, see above). However, I'm a big supporter of eliminating the rules entirely. I don't really think athletes should be required to enroll in classes or get a degree or anything of that sort. Ideally, that change won't take effect until after I graduate, because I would really like the market value of my CAPP degree to remain high. Nevertheless, in a few years we should definitely consider consolidating most of the joke majors into one big joke major and then maybe in a few more years export it out to Brown Mackie College where you can take one course a month. That's my five-year plan, what's yours?

But really, if philosophy and math have taught me anything, it's that you can always conclude that if something hasn't happened in a while, it will never happen again. Not to mention, does anyone know where you can get tattoos around here??? That's a problem. And I just searched craigslist, there is no section for championship rings. I'd have to search through all the wedding rings in the Jewelry section to find what I really want. So even if anyone had them, how are they supposed to find a market to sell them? Number one business school... please.

Anyway, it's women's basketball and hockey season so let's expect championships!!

The end.

P.S. 7/8 done with college!! I enjoyed writing this, I think I might actually keep it going for a bit.