Non-Tray Side

This will be my inaugural Visual Basic theorem (that is, written during my Visual Basic class). The tentative plan is to post at least once every Monday and Wednesday since I have yet to find a need to listen to this guy lecture. On that note, if anyone is looking for a great second major, the Computer Applications program is always accepting students. A common misconception is that you must be an athlete to take CAPP classes, but in reality all you have to do is email Lou Berzai and request access to class. Eventually you'll have to declare a major or minor in CAPP but Berzai is moderately senile and doesn't actually know what's going on so you can really dabble in CAPP for a number of semesters without cost. It goes without saying that you will get an A and you will have the opportunity to meet many celebrities including Tom Knight, Carleton Scott, and Armando Allen. The only drawback is that you don't learn anything.

Now on to the theorem.

Theorem 23: Sitting Non-Tray side makes no sense

This might be one of the most obvious theorems yet, and you would think no one would argue this assertion, but yet every day I see people sit Right-Right and Left-Left. As I'm sure you do, I ask myself, "Why?" My initial thought is that going Right-Left is too much to remember. After all, as a young freshman, I remember sitting Right-Right simply because it is just the same direction twice, and what's more intuitive than that? It's easy to remember a series of commands if they are all the same... So I guess the freshmen who have underdeveloped brains might have an excuse, but this is Notre Dame and I feel like you should be able to remember Right-Left. Here's how I remember it: First think "right" because that is the "right" way to go. I always like to do the "right" thing, amIright? Easy enough. Then remember to do the opposite of what you just did. So if you go right first, then you do the opposite, which is left. Voila, you are now tray side with all your friends.

It gets real tense on those football weekends when you don't know which side is going to be open, so you have to go with "right-left if it is open, but if not, then left-right." And with all those old people trying to get their french fries before they get their hot dogs (that's the wrong way for all you salad-eaters), it can get pretty stressful and remembering where to sit is nearly impossible. So in that case, I'd suggest writing it down.

So far I've skipped over the specific reasons why it just makes sense to sit tray side, but if you can't figure that out by now, then you probably won't even be able to remember Right-Left so this is a moot point.

But really, there are a few other reasons why people might think it best to sit non-tray side. One I can definitely imagine is that people want that extra walk to "burn off calories" they just ate or something. Now that would be a legitimate desire except for the fact that they offer chicken sandwiches every day, so you have the option of a low-calorie meal that also tastes delicious if you want it. I highly recommend it.

Or maybe people want to sit non-tray side because they have no one to sit with and they don't want anyone to walk by them and see their lack of friends. Been there, done that. Or maybe they have too many friends and need the Jesus table to accommodate their needs. This is also a reasonable argument. But the point is that there are many people who do not fall into these categories that still sit non-tray side. The combined time that those people wasted in walking the extra distance to put their tray away is probably hours... hours that could have been used studying. Hence, the reason they got a C in Orgo. Yeah, so when you don't get into Med School, don't come crying to me. I warned you.

Fighting the Nerds

So I figure there's been enough suspense for part two of "OMG IT'S FINALS WEEK!!" so I might as well present it today, on my personal Snow Day that is Thursday. I was thinking about waiting for the next finals week, but then I realized that this theorem is too important to put off. Every day I put this off, the nerds become stronger, and honestly it might be too late. So my sense of urgency brings you Theorem 22.

Theorem 22: The Nerds are winning!!

I have been fighting the nerds since probably the second semester of my freshman year, but it wasn't until late Fall semester of 2010 that I realized we are at war with them. I had no idea how many of them there are out there, and how much of a nerd stronghold there is at this school. So you are probably wondering a few things:

First, "Is this a serious threat or not?" I am actually completely serious, I think this is a huge problem and I am putting a lot of my time and effort this semester in rectifying the situation. I try to spend at least a half an hour a day to reflect on what I have been doing to fight the nerds. There are way too many nerds right now and most people just don't understand how their nerdiness is affecting others. Nerdiness is way more contagious than you'd think.

"How is nerdiness contagious?" Think about it: one nerd decides that they have sooo much work to do and have to stay in their room and study on a Friday night. Another average student asks the nerd what they are doing Friday night, to which he/she replies, "nerdin' it up, sadly" (as if that person is really sad). The average student hears this and says, "you're right, I should stay in tonight and study." A) You are not right, you are wrong. B) You should not stay in and study. Just like that, the disease has spread.

Or consider this scenario: Two people that actually have something to study. For the sake of argument we will call it a Wednesday evening. One is in the study lounge looking over notes. The other puts on a coat, boots, a winter hat, and packs up five textbooks for the one class plus the necessary laptop, and puts it all in an oversized backpack. A water bottle is affixed to the side of the bag to stay hydrated. The first person, who is already diligently studying, sees the second and suddenly realizes that he/she is completely distracted and probably going to fail the test as a result. There is suddenly way too much noise and the study lounge is an unacceptable place to study. The first person then goes through all the steps that the second did, making that person wait so that they can walk together. The first person also adds the step of changing his/her facebook status to tell all the people in his/her section that are not nerdin' it up that you hope it burns and that although you were "blissfully" tucked in, it is their life mission to keep you from sleeping (and of course nerdin' it up). Then, you leave for the library. It was snowing so it actually took you a little longer than usual to reach the library. Because of the cold you had to stop at LaFun to pick up your double latte milk mocha espresso. You finally arrive at the library. It is now Thursday morning. Now you can change your status to say that you are SCREWED for this big test in an hour.

Despite the fact you get an A on the test, you come to the conclusion that Facebook is going to keep you from getting in to Medical School. You delete your Facebook page and then you realize you are clinically depressed because you have nowhere to post your angry I Hate the World statuses (nor can you read and make fun of those statuses posted by others). You then get a Twitter, and at this point you have no hope because you are neither a celebrity nor a professional athlete so your life kind of does not have any more meaning.

What's that you say? You didn't realize how bad this Nerd epidemic is? It's true, it's affecting everyone. "But is there anything we can do about it?" Luckily, the answer is yes. There may be multiple cures that I don't know about, but the one cure I have found to be most effective is ridicule. If you see someone stricken with nerdiness, they must know. The real problem here is that most people don't know they are nerds! In fact, over the past week or so, I realized that I am as infected as anyone. I took 6 classes last semester and the reason I told everyone was that "it just kinda worked out that way." And then this semester I'm taking 6 classes, including one at 5:10 p.m., and my reason is now, "because I did it last semester and... I mean you're not gonna not." Really? REALLY? And no one has ever called me out on that... It's sad, really. There is NO reason for me to take 6 classes. And this isn't the only instance of my personal nerdiness! Maybe it was because I have been such a proponent of fighting the nerds that people thought I was immune. The truth is, no one is immune. So really, if you see someone walking to the library on a Friday, berate them. Granted, it is less mean and therefore more effective when done to a friend or acquaintance, but one way or another someone has to do it. Or if someone turns down sticks because they have a pre-lab to write up, make them feel guilty. I'm not here to instruct you on how to make fun of a person, because there are many way, but it just has to be done.

"This sounds mean. What happens if they actually have to do something or they will suffer serious consequences? Aren't there some extenuating circumstances?" Of course there are! I have turned down sticks a number of times (I hope fewer times than I accept them). But really, you will know if they actually have work to do. I have found that if people get angry or violent when you ridicule them, they legit need to get work done. You simply apologize for wasting a few minutes of their time and let them be. No harm done. This is not to be mistaken with fake-being-annoyed. For example, I will often make it look like I don't want to be playing sticks when in reality I'm loving my life and want to play a best-of-13 series.

What's that? You say I'm exaggerating this? Wrong. We have been fighting global warming for years. It's snowing in Texas. Really? but you can't fight the nerds? We have been fighting hunger as well, yet people here skip meals to study more. We are at war, stop denying it.

But at this point I want to note that it is important not to go overboard. For example, I have found that I often judge people very harshly, and quite often unjustly. It's sometimes as simple as seeing someone read a book and making fun of them for that. Now that's unfair. As much as reading sucks, it does not make you a nerd. And for that I probably should apologize to Tara... because she reads. Seriously, when I wake up one morning and I'm illiterate, she will have the last laugh, I admit. If I can analogize for a second, put it this way: You can fight in the War on Terror but you can't hate all Arabs. It's basically the same thing.

Sometimes it is hard to tell what's nerdin' it up and what's not. For example, some people consider Age of Empire nerdin' it up. I, surprisingly, will not. In my eyes, it is hard to claim that anything that replaces schoolwork is nerdin' it up. However, it helps your case if you are engaged with other humans in whatever you do, which doesn't help Metoxen, but whatever. He likes his laptop and his sweet desk chair so let's just let him be. The point is not to be critical, but rather that we must fight the nerds together. We are all in this together and we can not let anyone fall sick.

In summary, I'd like to leave you with this important message: Friends don't let friends be nerds.

For the record, this is not at all what I was planning on writing about back during finals week. I'm not exactly sure I ever had a plan of what to write during finals week. But this is one of my most important theorems and it could not wait.