Old People

I try to come up with something to write about as often as I can, but sometimes it is difficult. However, it motivates me to realize things and notice patterns that I probably would not otherwise realize and notice. One of these is that old people struggle mightily with pronunciation. Now I will admit I do not have a large sample of data to back up this realization, and although I am tempted to take the fact that my parents can't pronounce words and generalize it into a theorem that all old people can't pronounce words, I will leave it as simply a proposition. And for the record, I consider old to be 48 and older, just so that my parents narrowly make the cut.

Proposition: Old people struggle with pronunciation

The best example of this is the word sudoku. I understand it is an Asian word and that may make it seem intimidating to the elderly, but both my parents do sodukos (well, attempt them...) pretty much every day and so for them, the word is commonplace. However, they insist on calling it "suduku" (with an "ew" sound as the middle syllable). Even when it is written in front of them, they disregard the letters on the page and pronounce the word their own way. I tell them to sound it out and even repeat after me, but sure enough, the next day they change that vowel to a U and I have to start the lesson all over again.

My mom especially has trouble with pronouncing "Texas Hold'em," and there is absolutely no excuse of a language barrier here. It even has "Texas," arguably the most American state of all the states, in its name. I could possibly see how the hick-style contraction of "Hold'em" might throw her off a bit, but no. She insists on calling it Texem Hold'em. ("Hey you should teach me that game you boys play, what is it...Tex-uh....Tex'em Hold'em!" "Sorry mom, I've never heard of that game"). I have tried to understand what causes this mix-up and I can only conclude that the elderly tend to err on the side of repeated sounds (su-doo-koo, Tex'em Hold'em) which is why they have no trouble with rhyming words or words like banana.

Sometimes I think they just don't try. Like with this one woman who asked me if I ever listen to Seerus. I had no idea what she was talking about and didn't even consider the fact that she was actually mispronouncing the word Sirius (Satellite Radio). And she didn't even use a questioning/unsure tone that would indicate that she knew that maybe she was not pronouncing it quite correctly. But no, she wanted to know, with an utmost confidence in herself, if I listened to Seerus. Are you serious woman?

I can't decide if I prefer someone to give a stab at a word and end up butchering it to jibberish, or if it is better to start a word very cautiously, hoping ESP kicks in and someone can finish it for you. There is no doubt both are annoying when they are overused, but I think I prefer the first. At least you are trying. Aim for the stars and land among the clouds is what I always say. I also say that the greatest risk is not taking one. But it really helps if you get a few syllables right...

As for the other option, ESP sometimes is quite effective. For example, if my mom is talking about basketball and starts a word with "Zuh" or "Ill" I know she is talking about Zydrunas Ilgauskas. She doesn't need to even mention the Cavs or NBA, I know she is never going to get the whole name on her own nor do I want her to try. It will only lead to frustration for all parties involved.

Sometimes, my mom will combine both strategies, which also has its place. For example, when she is talking about baseball, and she mentions Cabrera, I know that she could mean any Latino name beginning with a C (Cordova, Cordero, etc.). I mentally expand my search and usually am able to come up with the person she is talking about. As long as I keep her knowledge of sports to one or two teams per sport, this strategy is effective.

Anyway, I come across examples like these all the time and unfortunately I think this is a problem that is unfixable. I do my best to educate the elderly, but they always revert to their old ways.

Hand Sanitizer

After further contemplation on the topic of stealing from the DH, I have decided to avoid all controversy in my posts for a while. The topic was weighing on my mind but in the long run it caused me too much stress and anger and I feel it is something better to be left undiscussed. I do, however, have new wisdom that I would like to share. This wisdom is useful in everyday life and should be heeded by all.

Hand Sanitizer: Keeping you Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable?

Many people are of the belief that hand sanitizer will reduce your risk of catching the flu or the common cold, but this is only partly true. The free hand sanitizer at the DH advertises itself as being able to stop the spread of germs or slow it down or something, and this is true and accurate. It however, does not advertise that it is also the poison that is killing your immune system and leaving your body defenseless to deadly diseases and viruses!

Theorem 13: Hand Sanitizer is a hazard to your health

Now I don't claim to be a doctor, but there are a few things that I think I know about the body, specifically the immune system. The first thing is that when you get sick and your body fights the disease, your immune system becomes strengthened after recovery. So, if you really want to keep yourself from getting sick, you have to get yourself sick. Now this sounds like a contradiction, and it is, but it isn't. No one can go through life without ever getting sick, so the key is to get yourself sick with just the right sickness at the most convenient time. This is why I lick doorknobs about two weeks before finals, when things are in the last lull before everything falls on you at once. That way, when finals roll around, my immune system will be impenetrable. I also try to avoid people with dangerous viruses like meningitis or AIDS and longer-term viruses like mono or AIDS, all the while trying to surround myself with people that have runny noses or a nice deep, rich cough.

So how does hand sanitizer play into all this you ask? Hand sanitizer does the opposite effect that licking doorknobs does. It keeps your body from the germs, thereby coddling it and making it weak. So if you want to keep yourself from getting sick and you think you are doing so by using hand sanitizer, you are actually setting yourself up for disaster. Eventually your immune system will deteriorate until you can't breathe without a SARS mask. Hand sanitizer is only good for short term protection (i.e. big test coming up in a few days or Spring Break in a few days and you don't want to get sick). But even in the short term, don't put too much faith in it because if you read the fine print, .01% of germs are not killed. That's a lot of germs.

So is there any way to make your immune system stronger without licking doorknobs? Thankfully, there are two ways. The first is a magical liquid, a potion if you will. I am of course talking about orange juice, the world's greatest immune booster. Drinking orange juice is the smartest thing you can do when you feel a little iffy. There is no limit to how much you can drink, and it tastes great. The second smartest thing you can do is get quality sleep. I'm not just talking about the eight hours a night sleep, I'm talking about the ten hour, 2 am-to-noon, I-love-my-bed-and-have-no-prior-obligations sleep. No virus can infect a body in hibernation and that's a fact. And even if you don't feel tired because of coffee and caffeine and other drugs, you probably are deeply fatigued and are being infected, so beware.

You may be saying, "there's many other ways to improve your immune system and keep you from getting sick." Unfortunately, these are hoaxes. Many people believe that eating "well" (what does that even mean, really?) can keep you from getting sick. This is false: vegetables and salads do nothing and are very much overrated. The jury is still out on drinking tea and other herbal supplements (like Chai and fish oil and green tea) to boost the immune system, but I personally do not believe in them. I am not a strong believer in the Asian imports in general; I like to put my trust in American products like Florida oranges. By the way, Happy Belated Birthday America!

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Again, I would like to apologize for the tension and angry words in my latest posts. I would also like to say the BronBron is now tweeting, so you should check him out at @kingjames.

NumbSkulls

I will have to delay the posting of Hand Sanitizer: Keeping you Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable? to respond to one of the most infuriating comments made by Fitzy, a loyal follower and friend of the blog. I definitely appreciate the comment as well as the loyalty to the blog and I regret that I have to call Fitzy a numbskull (Geisman 2010), but there is no other option. I also apologize for posting a picture of Bronnie dunking on Kevin Garnett, there was no malice intended in that, it was just the next good picture that I could find on Google images. It's amazing how many of the images out there on Google are of LeBron...

1. No one EVER claimed that Grab 'N Go should be worth the value of one meal at the DH. You are expected to not use up all 14 meals, but people complained about this so they began a inexpensive system called Grab 'N Go as another option. A "gift" if you will. There is no way it is worth 11 dollars and no one would ever argue that it is. Besides, your meals at the dining hall aren't worth 11 dollars either, that is just the price they use to gouge from the wealthy parents and alumni and random people that will pay for it. It costs 2 bucks to get a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine, but no one expects to pay $48 for a 24-pack... This is not robbery because the alternative is a wasted meal. It is free food/mini water bottles, be thankful. I didn't want to have to bring this up, but there are starving children in Uzbekistan...

2. I did these unthinkable acts a while back, before I matured as a person. And I understand now that I was completely in the wrong. That's what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is for. Forgive me Father for I have sinned... I just wanted to clear the air so there wouldn't be anyone claiming they saw me take a muffin out of the DH, but I am a changed man now.

3. I'm estimating it takes about a minute and a half to walk to the basement, and a minute and a half to walk back, and then maybe two minutes to grab your food and check out. That's five minutes, and I'm saying you can get 7 more minutes to eat a meal at the DH. Subtracting out the travel time that is still necessary to eat at the DH, it absolutely is possible to eat in nine minutes without getting sick. You get sick when you lick doorknobs or make-out with everyone. You get a tummy ache when you eat too fast. And if you still debate this (which I'm sure you do), tune in to ESPN at noon on July 4th for the Hot Dog Eating contest, where Joey Chestnut will prove my point.

4. 14 meals a week, 7 days a week equals 2 meals a day. No class begins before the DH opens and I doubt you have classes that keep you from eating dinner. Lunch: it's very possible and probably likely that you can't attend lunch on a few days. But you only get two meals a day so I suggest breakfast and dinner. JOsh is always lonely at breakfast anyway...

5. This is one of the hardest points for me to explain through a blog, but if you don't want to pay the 200 dollars (which I don't) then you have to make a change. And I'm starting with the man in the mirror. If no one steals, eventually it will be taken out, you can't argue that. Obviously there will never be a case where no one steals, but if you think it is okay to, then we definitely won't. If you think it is not okay, then we might. Think about that...

And again, I'm just arguing it is immoral. See Kant's categorical imperative.

6. First, to take 11 dollar's worth of granola bars, do you have any idea how many granola bars you'd be taking? I honestly have no idea, but at the price they get those granola bars, it would be WAYYYY more than 7 points. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, I can say "as many points as they like."

Again, if everyone did what these people do, it would NOT be a good system and it would NOT continue. There is no way they would be able to keep it up if people took, say, 30 points at a time. Who knows if this is even profitable for the University? I don't even think it is. I truly believe it is just an extra system that students can use where the money used for its upkeep is negligible compared to that used for the DH.

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I'd like to say Happy Birthday America. I think we should all thank an American for making this country so great. And speaking of America, America's good friend Australia will be hosting JOsh, and we can all follow his adventures at

http://thereandbackagainaustralia.blogspot.com/

Now that I have cooled off a little, I would like to again apologize for calling you a Numbskull, Fitzy. That was uncalled for, but I have already written this thing and it wouldn't make sense to erase it. I appreciate your constructive criticism, it has forced me to make my points more clear and thorough. Thank you for making this country great.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Without going into too much detail about how the topic of stealing from the DH makes me furious in almost every way, I'd like to state that it does (make me furious in almost every way). Even just trying to find the right words for the opening sentence of this post has me a little frustrated and snappy.

Also, to avoid too much hypocrisy, I would like to say that I have, no more than once or twice, taken an extra muffin or doughnut. I also had a short period of about a week where I would fill up my empty water bottle with the raspberry flavored water after going to the Rock because I was getting bored with the average everyday H2O. I honestly cannot remember of any other time I have stolen from the DH. Oh, and also the time I put my silverware in my pocket because I needed both hands to thoroughly rub the sanitizer deep into my pores and then I found the silverware later that day. I felt guilty for weeks, but lucky for me that was just before Lent so I got to repent soon after the sin was committed.

Since this is a very controversial topic, I will pick my battles and start with the most obviously immoral: Taking more than 7 points or 9 points or whatever it is for Grab 'N Go. Grab 'N Go is nothing more than a privilege for those people who "don't have time" for sitting down at the DH. Therefore, it is in no way necessary that it be worth the price of a meal at the DH (which is like over ten bucks). If you give a mouse a cookie... Ridiculous. Be thankful for the option to get something out of your would-be-wasted meals. Besides, most of the Grab 'N Go food ends up in the trash anyway, but that isn't the reason it is insane to believe you have the right to take more than 7 points. It is insane because you don't even necessarily have to have Grab 'N Go. You can eat just as much food (actually way more) in the DH in just slightly more time (say, 7 minutes). Can you really not find an extra 7 minutes in your day to eat a variety of better food? You can, very very easily. And if you are lying to yourself and say you can't, then just make sure you eat twice as many calories as you normally would (eat fries and the fried chicken, quick calories there), then you don't have to get your next meal and can save that time.

This brings me to the most ridiculous, nonsensical argument I've ever heard. According to Joey, as a counter to the previous argument (that you can just find the time to go to the DH if you really want to), knowing that you have Grab 'N Go as an option will make you schedule your day differently and therefore you will end up not having enough time to go to the DH. In other words, you will naturally make it so you ONLY have time for Grab 'N Go. HAHAHAHAH. I have never once gone to Grab 'N Go for a meal, so that argument is automatically refuted. Also, if having extra options really and truly affects you that negatively, then you have a problem that needs a-fixin'.

So if I have to sum up the reason why it is immoral to take more than 7 points, I would like to cite Immanuel Kant's categorical imperative. Essentially, an action is moral if you can expect everyone to do that same action and there not be a contradiction. Can you expect everyone to take as many points as they like? No, Grab 'N Go would not work, and they would have to take it away so no one gets the privilege. I feel like a kindergarten teacher explaining this.

Now, for the less obvious but equally as immoral: Stealing "stuff" from the DH. I will group food together with things like chairs, tables, cups, silverware, plates, etc.

Everyone knows about the 200 dollars that is incorporated into everyone's tuition for stolen goods, so people think they are entitled to 200 dollars-worth of stolen goods. So, you say, we all should take what is rightfully ours since we have already paid for it. Do you think if we all took 200 dollars from the DH, the amount incorporated for stolen goods would be 200 dollars next year? No, it would be like 1000, because not everyone takes 200 dollars from the DH as it is, and it stays at 200 dollars. Then you see, "oh, I am paying 1000 for stolen goods, better get stealing." And then it goes up indefinitely.

So you say, no, that is all hypothetical and will never happen because the honest people won't steal. This is true, but why is it fair that you steal and I don't? It is not, which makes it immoral. Again, according to the categorical imperative, it is not morally permissible if you can't expect everyone to do what you do. So, since it is after all stealing and God/Moses/whoever with the tablet says Thou Shall Not (Shan't) Steal, I suggest no one steals, so that we can save 200 bucks. What's that you say? That is idealistic? Well screw you because that is the way it should be. You don't need to steal anything from the DH, those chairs are cheap and old and the cups suck. Sac up and buy it with your own money. Don't have the money? Take surveys and earn some petty cash. If you really want to steal something for fun, you should steal that something, then the next day impress that lady at the door by showing what you stole. Hopefully that will inspire her to be more attentive and earn her paycheck.

* By the way, has anyone seen the Even Stevens episode where Louis and Ren are both in detention together, and when the principle or whatever leaves, they flip everything over and start betting on which mouse will win the mouse race? And then when the principle comes back to check on them, they get back in their seats so that when the principle opens the door they pull the string which is attached to the lever which lifts the arm of the lifeless body of the detention guy. Anyway, the old lady with the red hair that might not live to see Fall 2010 reminds me of that detention guy.

Finally, to wrap up my point, I would like to say that it's not a big deal if you steal things, I just assume my financial aid covers that part, but don't even dare trying to tell me it is justified. Understand and admit you are acting immorally and by doing so, you are going to Hell. That is all.

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Stay tuned for my in-depth look into the immune system in Hand Sanitizers: Keeping You Safe from Germs or Making you Weak and Vulnerable?

Also, I would like to advertise JOsh's upcoming Australia blog. Hey, JOsh will have a blog about Australia.