Shower Sandals

There were two things I was reminded of this past weekend that I feel very strongly about. Both are extremely controversial and both make me absolutely livid when people disagree with me. So, since it is in no way sports related, I feel it is my privilege and responsibility to talk some sense into anyone who reads my words.

Theorem 12: Shower sandals are useless and unnecessary and a sign of weakness

I hate when people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I don't wear sandals in public showers. "Ewww! The shower floor is so disgusting, you'll get foot diseases!" I've asked many people if they know anyone who has ever gotten a foot disease from the shower floor, and so far no one has. And the only thing you have a reasonable chance of getting is athlete's foot, which as far as I am concerned is basically like a mild sunburn between the toes, easily treatable by some Aloe. We're not talking about gout or anything, just athlete's foot. And for a washed up three-sport high school sports player, it is kind of an honor to have that skin condition.

People also say, "Eww people pee in the showers." This is true (...I know that from hearsay). However, who cares? Urine is sterile, and every time you turn on the shower, it's like flushing the toilet: the urine gets washed down the drain. Touching a doorknob with your hand is really what you should be concerned about, those things never get cleaned. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure most people use anti-bacterial soap of some sort while taking showers (granted, I've only showered with myself so I don't technically know that...), so that soap falls on the ground and cleans the floor to a spotless "extra" clean. So if you are really concerned about your foot picking up some bacteria, just throw some soap down on the ground before you step in the shower or just wash your feet at the end. Washing yourself is supposed to get rid of bacteria after all.

Finally, people often say, "well what's wrong with just wearing sandals just to be safe?" Well I will tell you what is wrong with that, in the form of two rhetorical follow-up questions. "What's wrong with wearing a bomb suit when you go paintballing or a radiation suit when you do a titration in a high school chemistry lab?" and "Doesn't it feel weird being completely naked but wearing shoes?" Basically what I'm trying to say here is the sandals are unnecessary and it's all hype. I'm also trying to say that it's not a true shower unless you are naked.

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It's late so I will keep the more controversial of the two for tomorrow since this one has already gotten me riled up and I don't think I'll be able to sleep as it is. I'd also like to say I love you LeBron. Lastly, Jacob, I am glad to see your gray, lifeless, indistinguishable face in the followers section.

LeBron Sweepstakes

I still do not have a theorem to offer, I have spent way too much time watching soccer and not enough time philosophizing. However, I do not regret this decision one bit.

We are currently in one of the best stretches of time in sports. The World Cup is nearing on its most exciting part: the knockout round, and US National Team has provided us with one of the best finishes to a game in its not-so-illustrious history. France and Italy have embarrassed themselves, and I couldn't be happier. It seems to be shaping up just as I hoped.

By the way, it has been brought to my attention that my predictions for the World Cup have somehow proved to be somewhat accurate. This combined with the fact that I was in the 100.0% in ESPN.com's Soccer Pick'Em Fantasy Game is really inflating my ego, and believe me, that is not a good thing. If this keeps up, I'm liable to actually convince myself I know what I'm talking about, and that just means I'll never stop talking about it...

Even the sport of tennis has gotten in on the action. The most incredible tennis match ever played just finished 6-4, 3-6, 6-7, 7-6, 70-68, spanning three days and taking over 11 hours to play, of course with the Amurican coming out on top. The NBA draft is about to begin where my boys Evan Turner and Gordon Hayward will hopefully be drafted by the Cleveland LeBrons. Speaking of LeBron, his sweepstakes also begin in a week, which will surely provide for lively entertainment for all. I obviously would like him to stay in Cleveland and I think he should do so (for his own good) but not for the reasons that you might be familiar with. Here are my reasons:


1) Because they will have to change the name of the franchise from the Cleveland LeBrons back to the Cleveland Cavaliers. For seven seasons, LeBron has been the franchise and it has been nothing but financial success for the city. If Cleveland has to go back to being the Cavaliers it will be devastating for the team, the city, and the league.

2) The LeBron decorations. Whose picture is going to replace LeBron’s “We are all Witnesses” posters on the sides of so many buildings in Cleveland? Varajao? Mo Williams? Z? … No, it just won’t work. No one has that glorious open-armed look to the heavens like LeBron and no one wants to be a witness to Varajao's flops, even Cleveland fans. Although seeing Z up there would be kind of amusing...

3) Because Cleveland is so likeable. Think about it. No one likes the frontrunner and New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago always seem to win things. If LeBron goes to these cities, he will be roped into the karma of the rest of the city and no one will like him. Cleveland is the classic underdog and he is just more popular being a part of its charm.

4) His paycheck. He can be offered the largest salary in Cleveland. People seem to like money and I think LeBron is no different.

5) Other job openings. There are openings in the front office and as head coach of the team. This is a perfect opportunity to LeBron to step in as a player-coach (a la Jackie Moon for the Tropics) or even player-coach-GM. This means three rings for the price of one Championship, which is a great way to make up for some lost time in his first seven seasons.
The Cleveland Browns. He may even be able to make the squad for the Browns, earning him extra income and allowing him to better his legacy as a two-sport professional athlete. LeBron has experience in high school as a football star and there is no doubt the Browns could use any help they can get. Come to think of it, the Indians could use some help too… The possibilities are endless in Cleveland.

6) There is already plenty of media in New York and L.A. LeBron has been a virtual photographer for the Cavaliers for a while now who takes pregame pictures of his teammates. It is likely he won’t be able to find this job in any other city, where photographers are lurking around every corner.

7) The new jerseys. It always is strange wearing a jersey for a new team after you have worn the same team's jersey for so many years. However, LeBron will have to say goodbye to the 19 different throw-back jerseys that the Cavaliers use regularly. Avid LeBron fans won't have the chance to buy LeBron home, away, alternate home, alternate away, light blue, light yellow, maroon, orange, black, blue, green, and magenta jerseys if he goes to the Knicks. Think of how much money is lost there.

8) His fashion. LeBron has become accustomed to wearing some absolutely ridiculous clothing and if he goes to a major city, especially New York, he is liable to end up on What Not to Wear. That's just too embarrassing for everyone involved and I don't want that to happen to him.

I promise the next post will not have to deal with sports. LATER

Say No to Racism

In response to a recently filed formal complaint by a loyal follower, I am obliged to make a post. Unfortunately, I am very much lacking content now as I have been all summer. However, I have chosen the topic of this post to again be the World Cup. There are three reasons for this choice. First, it is the second-greatest quadrannual sporting event, the first being the Olympics, and therefore it should be highly publicized by even the most obscure new-media blogs. Second, all I do is watch soccer these days so it's all I care about. And third, I want an excuse to upload Tommy Smyth's round, teddy-bear face again so I can see it on the front page.

So here are my thoughts:

First, I have come to the conclusion that the soccer announcers of the World Cup are for some reason quite racist, or at least lack political correctness. This of course does not bother me, I just find it amusing.

Unfortunately I can't remember most of the comments I've heard that support this claim but here are a couple I do remember...

1) In an international friendly against China, an announcer claimed that Asian men have a lower pain tolerance than the Europeans and that this was the reason for so many of China's injuries. And this was following a comment that implied the team's struggles were due to so many injuries. Ipso facto, China sucks because they are a bunch of wussies. Now I know the pain tolerance claim is supported by science (seriously Yao Ming is always injured), but I can't imagine this comment not being met with criticism in the States.

2) In an example of reverse racism, the announcer for France's first World Cup match (not sure who) mentioned very directly two or three times his disappointment with the two white players for France. In other words, "I like black people but the white ones can't play soccer very well." Again, notice that there are only two white players for France. Out of eleven. I don't understand this, it's France.

3) I also have noticed that virtually none of the analysts predict wins for Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa, or Algeria. And the only African country that they predicted a win for was Cameroon, but they were playing Japan. Coincidence? I think not. Is it because these teams are not that good? Debateable. Is it because of racism? Probably not. But it's fun to think so.

Speaking of racism, I can't tell you how delighted I was that Keisuke Honda was the man of the match for Japan. Unfortunately, there is no one named Kim-Jong Hyundai or Wong-Tong Kia for North Korea in their match tomorrow. Fun fact(s) though: of the 23 players on the active roster, five (5) are named Kim (that's a girls name mind you), five (5) are named Ri, four (4) named Pak, two (2) named An, and one (1) each named Cha, Ji, Nam, Mun, Choe, Jong, and Hong. All have hyphenated last names (although "first" and "last" are ambiguous terms for the Asian countries), most being combinations of Myongs, Kwangs, Jongs, Ils, or slight deviations of the previous four. I did check though, no Jong-Ils, so we should be safe.

Speaking of names, the three best names so far are 1) Tshabalala 2) Honda 3) Schweinsteiga (with an A).

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Few remaining notes: I hate everyone that plays for Italy. They are a bunch of jokes and they whine about everything and dive more than anyone. I literally feel embarrassed for them. They got lucky against Paraguay but they will get what they deserve soon enough. Also, Spain is absolutely dirty and they are not overrated. Finally, I would like to express my full satisfaction with the support for U.S. soccer being received overseas in China, England, and Italy. Keep up the good work.

World Cup Preview

10 days following the surgery and I look only slightly less like a chipmunk than I did the day of. My face is still numb, I am officially tired of drinking smoothies, and I've lost 12 pounds. Nevertheless, I couldn't be happier because we are ONE WEEK away from the WORLD CUP!! If you aren't excited for the greatest tournament on earth, there is something seriously wrong with you.

So I decided to put together my own preview some of the countries of importance...

France - Arretez les bleus! Tara, your Frenchmen blow. They just lost to China 1-0 in a friendly and although every one of their players is an absolute baller, they canNOT play as a team. It is embarrassing, but I have no sympathy for them because they are French. Also, what I do not understand is where they got so many black men to play on the team. Thirteen of the twenty-three players are of African descent, yet only 8-10% of the nation's demographic is black. This perplexes me greatly, but I do enjoy black people with French accents (see Mickael Pietrus). Anyway, I predict a failure to advance from pool play and a lot of French anguish which will be met with my pure delight.

China - Bobby's and Abaigh's Chinamen did not make it to the World Cup this year but nonetheless I am definitely a fan. After beating powerhouse France 1-0, they all seemed so happy and gleeful. I've never seen a goalie high-five his defenders when the ball goes over the endline for a goal-kick, it's like they are 10-year-olds. We need more Asian representation in the World Cup, that is all.

Albania- Steier's 79th-ranked Albanese are probably not that good but I honestly have no way of knowing. Fun fact: they beat Montenegro 1-0 in a friendly on May 25th. No one was watching.

England- Lauren and Jenn have a really good team, obviously, but they are goin' down. The United States is going to beat them 3-1. But England will still advance from pool play and go deep in the elimination rounds despite losing defender and team captain Rio Ferdinand to injury. The Three Lions are full of ballers and they will settle for nothing less than excellence. I can't wait to see them play.

Italy- Keeping with the front-runners theme, Miss Italian Conquistador's, Metoxen's, and Meredith's Azzurri are also ballers. However, I hate them. They are getting old, and in a tremendously ironic turn of events, one of their better players (De Rossi?) will actually hurt himself falling to the ground for one of his flops and be out for the tournament. Then they will be upset a few times and not make it out of pool play. I'm rooting for the Slovaks to take their place.

Spain- And the front-runner of front-runners, La Furia Roja is poised for a deep run into the elimination rounds, possibly taking it all. I am not convinced, however, and I think they will struggle. Fernando Torres will get a red card sometime during the game in which they are eliminated and the Spaniards will lose on PKs. Anyway, sorry Jake but your team is bound for disappointment.

The United States- The team that will beat the Spaniards in PKs is the United States. The U.S. will far surpass expectations and do work. I can't wait to see it.

Ireland- Tom's Irish should absolutely be in the World Cup, if for no other reason than to keep Tommy Smyth a happy old man.

Australia- And lastly, Josh's Socceroos. I know nothing about the Australian national team, but I do know that Australians are crazy. Check out this crazy sport and tell me you didn't wish you were Australian. Or if they aren't out breaking their necks on the football oval field thing, they are of course piercing their nipples and throwing crazy parties. Thus, I am left only to conclude that they suck at soccer and will not advance. I'm pulling for Ghana... gotta love those Black Stars.

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Since I love Flash Mobs more than the next guy, I found this one from Belgium. I even spotted Liesl, she comes in at 0:50 with the brown boots.

LATER

Nurses

In my first post-surgery post (see what I did there?) I will have to disappoint. I have no pictures of face all swollen up, nor any videos reminiscent of David After Dentist, nor any "texts from Tuesday morning around 10 a.m." Trust me, I am just as disappointed as the next guy, but nonetheless I don't log-in to T.O.L. empty-handed.

Those who of you who were lucky enough to receive texts or wall posts from me over the last few days know that I am not one to complain about things like this; complaining gets you no where and is wasted energy. Rather, I look for the silver lining and try to learn from whatever situation I'm in. (Since I understand that sarcasm sometimes gets lost in the blogging process, I will make it clear that this is a complete joke.) Regardless, I did learn two very important things that I will now share:

Lesson 1: Never have jaw surgery
Call me pessimistic, but having jaw surgery is no fun and there is no way this can be worth it. I still look like a chipmunk, but as far as I can tell, I look pretty much the same as I did before the operation. My teeth might be touching now, which is a good thing, but that does no one any good when you can't use your teeth. Honestly I could drink my smoothies a whole lot better if they would have just amputated my jaw.

Lesson 2: Marry a nurse
There are three main reasons I landed on this conclusion. First, nurses provide no shortage of sympathy. I could have had nothing more than a bruised toe and I guarantee I would have been treated just the same. I found out that their profession requires them to preface every statement or question with "aww" or "poor baby" (i.e. "Aww, does your face hurt?" "Poor baby, do you want something to drink?" "Aww, you don't have to cry, it's just ice" or "Aww, no, no one has ever died from mouthwash" etc.). This has to be a good thing: I'm sure it makes for a very compassionate relationship and keeps tensions low. Just imagine, no matter how little you do in your marriage, you will be greeted with sympathy -- "Aww, poor baby, you've been watching sports all day and must be exhausted, would you like dinner?"

Second, they are always looking to do things for you. This goes hand-in-hand with the sympathy factor, but is slightly different. For example, you don't even have to ask for a nurse to get you a drink of water, they will bring it to you as a surprise and you can choose whether or not you want to consume it. They get pleasure out of helping you in any way possible, hence they get pleasure out of being your servant. Conveniently enough, I get pleasure out of having a servant, so it's a win-win.

Third, the majority of nurses are attractive. Fact: four out of five of my nurses were attractive, and the one that was not attractive was like 40, so her data is inconclusive anyway. Regardless, if you extrapolate that, you have the statistic that 80% of nurses are attractive. This means that even if you are forced to choose a nurse at random, the odds are greatly in your favor. I didn't believe it at first, but you can't argue the facts and there is no doubt that four of my nurses were definitively attractive. Furthermore, three out of the four were hott, but this is obviously very subjective so it can therefore not be used to draw scientific conclusions.

Thus, if at all possible, you should marry a nurse, assuming you are a male. If you are female, do not marry a male nurse. Marry a surgeon, they are wealthy.

Spitting between teeth

My mom recently told me that it was disgusting that I spit between my teeth. This was not the first time she's told me this nor is she the only person that has said it. Therefore, I feel it is time to correct these people's misconceptions once and for all.

Theorem 11: Spitting between one's teeth is not disgusting

In fact, it is not really spitting at all. This is technical stuff that many people don't understand, so I will attempt to explain it. When you spit between your teeth, it has to be liquidy and not saliva-y like spit. So you are essentially just sending water between your teeth, which can't possibly be disgusting.

On the other hand, when you spit actual saliva (that you can see on the ground) or mucus, you are ejecting something that was in your body. Thus, this can theoretically be considered disgusting. I personally think it is one of the most natural things a person can do, so it is not disgusting, but everyone has a right to their own opinion.

There are, however, ways for spitting to be disgusting:

1) When you spit on concrete or hard surface and the spit is visible. This is quite disgusting but there are ways to avoid it, such as spitting on grass instead. If you miss the grass (this happens, no one's aim is perfect), you should cover it up with your shoe and rub it away. If you have bare feet you should say something like, "Ah, yummy!" There is nothing better than some good sarcasm to break the tension of a stressful moment of taboo. And then if people really are disgusted, you should sincerely apologize.

2) When you clear your throat (slang term: "hawking/hocking a loogie"). According to some reliable sources, girls never do this. I honestly don't see how this is possible, but good for them. You should always do this when there is no one within earshot. If, however, you screw up, a sarcastic "ah, yummy!" should do the trick.

3) When you try to spit between your teeth but your spit is too thick and saliva-y and it rolls down your chin. This really is just hilarious, and if you make the mistake of doing this then you should definitely practice more before you try again in public.

While I'm on the topic, I'd like to put in a plug for spitting between one's teeth. It is a great thing to do while you are bored or when you are walking somewhere alone and have no one to talk to. It is a mindless habit like spinning your pen or, I don't know, clicking your tongue. It is also a skill that many people are jealous of. Not everyone can do it and so those who can't do it claim those who can are disgusting. Many people think baseball players spit between their teeth because they think it makes them cool, and this is true. There is no doubt that people who spit between their teeth are cooler than those who spit regularly, or not at all. Spitting between one's teeth makes a cool sound as well. Some women have even described this sound as "seductive" (seriously). All you have to do is have something in your mouth like a jolly rancher or almost any hard candy, and you can produce a continuous supply of water in your mouth. From here you just have to practice. You will get the hang of it in no time.

Some Great Videos

The purpose of this post is none other than to share some of my recent favorite videos and hopefully increase my Google rating. I know there is nothing worse than having your time wasted by clicking on a link to a lame YouTube video, so I will do my best to encourage the right people to click on the right link.

I have had huge amounts of time on my hands lately, and since the season finale of The Office came and went, I have started watching some new shows. Unfortunately, I tried Glee. At first the ridiculousness of the show was amusing, but the amusement quickly wore off and I became aware of the fact that I was actually watching a TV show about Glee Club, the most ridiculed club on every college campus. It's like a musical Friday Night Lights minus the football and plus the gleefulness. Anyway, I understand I should be ashamed, and believe you me, I am. However, I also started watching Tosh.0, and this was much more successful. If you haven't seen the show, it is hilarious. I was pretty giddy to begin with, so that is probably why I laughed so hard I cramped up when I watched this clip, but I'm sure everyone can find humor in it. This is funny, so if you click on only one link, make it this one.

If you enjoy watching basketball, watch this compilation of some of the most ridiculous traveling non-calls. If you do not like basketball that much, do NOT watch this because you will probably find nothing interesting about it. Actually it has a pretty cool song.

Speaking of cool songs, here is the Weber grill commercial. It is such a great song, even if it is only 31 seconds long. Unless you already know how great this song is, don't watch this.

I do love great beats, and here is another one. Not a funny video, but a solid video that will make you happy (gleeful) inside. It is the Flash Mob at the Ohio Union on the Ohio State campus (O-H-!!). It was on the front page of YouTube so you might have already seen it, but here it is. Only watch it if you are bored and are looking for something somewhat cool. Oh, and the fact that it is a Glee song is pure coincidence. I in no way, shape, or form support the show.

And that's my random assortment of videos for your enjoyment.